I Had a Break Down - Now You Are in for Some Trouble!!!

I am not sure what happened this weekend. It started out really good and slid into really bad pretty quick. Now I must say my binge this weekend is nothing of binges of the past but considering I am trying hard it was discouraging. On top of it, I didn't exercise cause I was being a lazy sloth!!

Actually I know exactly what happened, I was told that my raise that I was suppose to get wasn't coming because of the poopy economy and the couple of people who keep saying they will take MJ so I can have some me time pulled out at the last weekend so my relaxing Saturday was shot to shit. I get tired of being a single mommy in a city that none of my family live in so that if I ever want to do something without MJ I have to pay someone.

Monday came and although I didn't exercise, I did eat really well. I didn't put crap into my body but was still being Eeyore about my life (oh so glum, nothing will ever be good). Like many people, I get down on myself at times. I stopped myself yesterday from eating myself into feeling worse which is a step in the right direction.

This morning, thanks to Karilynn I dragged my ass out of my warm and cozy bed at 5 am (okay, so it was more like 5:10) and got on my treadmill. I told myself, it doesn't matter if you crawl, you are doing 30 minutes. As my mind cleared and the music on my ipod picked up, I did run. As I ran I began to think, there are many things in my life I like, there are many that I don't. There are certain things in my life I can change and certain things I have no control over. I started going through my list of what I don't like about my life and I can change and I am sure it is no surprise to anyone that I came to the realization that I don't want to be fat anymore. I kept saying it and saying it and began to cry.

I want immediate results. I want to be thin now. I know that it isn't possible and I have a lot of work to do. One great thing about this choice though is that when I get stressed about what I can't change in my life, I can exercise and help get closer to my goal. Losing weight really isn't that hard, eat less and exercise more. Become accountable for what you put in your body and sweat your ass off.

Come on Biggest Loser contenders, make me work for it. This is not going to be a 3 pound weight loss month. I want that $100 prize money. I have my eye on a pair of boots that are going to look great on my sculpted calves!!!

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I turn 31 and at the moment I have having many mixed feelings about my birthday. I really don't mind getting older, that much, but I think it is the lack of someone special in my life. I thought that by the time I was in my 30's I would have someone special to share my life with. I do not mean to sound ungrateful cause I have the most beautiful and special child in my life, but I want more. I want it all.

One reasons for my melancholy is that it is raining. In my memory, with the exception of one or two, the weather on my birthday is always beautiful. Another reason is that my baby is gone. My mother just left with my child. I have sent her to spend a week with her grandparents. She is super excited and was not sad at all to leave. I just miss her when she is not her and she is not been well (a story for another time). I am okay with her going cause I remember the time with my grandparents as a child and I would not take that away from my child. I just need to keep myself busy.

Birthdays are a good time to reflect on your life. I look at my life and am happy with most of it. I have a wonderful child, a great family (a distant family but they are there when I need them), a fantastic job (I still am in wonder at where I work) but I am not fulfilled. I moved about a year ago and am finding it hard to connect with people. I have been trying but I think I may need to look at a different group. I think that I need to find more mommy friends. Single friends are great but after not being able to go out any night of the week really separates me from them. I think I did connect with one of the t-ball mommies and we have made plans for a play date so I hope that is a start.

I thought by this time I would be farther along in my goals. I did set some goals before Christmas have a just began work to fulfill one of them. I need to try harder. Things do not just happen because I want them to. You have to work for what you want. I wonderful mommy that I look up to (in case you don't know it, that is you Tyler), writes a wonderful blog that teaches me things about myself almost every time I read it. Anyway, she shared an article about self-discipline that showed me that I need to work on me.

I have decided that this is what my 31st year will be about, making me better. Being the happiest and best person I can be. This is my new goals:

1. Join a church. I feel that I need to strengthen my relationship with God. A simple way to do this is to join a church. I will do some research and do some visits.
2. Make more friends. Hard yes but I am hoping doing more activities and joining a church will help with that.
3. Date more. I have been on a few dates but I am going to date instead of focusing on finding the right one. If a princess has to kiss a few toads, I am okay with that.
4. Lose 30 pounds. Need to. I refuse to accept being fat. I may not need to lose all 30 but I am not happy at my current weight or look so things need to change.

Wish me luck, I am hoping to have one hell of a year. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know. I am willing to try anything once!

One year older, and so much better.

Moi

Did you ever feel like the world is against you?

Okay so maybe that is going a bit far as i don't really feel like the world is against me but I am feeling like parts of it are. I am sitting her tonight not even sure how to feel... my beautiful baby may have the H1N1 virus - yes that is right, my little piglet may actually have the swine flu.

Now what I am going to say show how horrible of a mommy I am. The worst part about this whole thing is that if MJ does have the virus it means we are in quarantine for 7 days. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!! Seven days in isolation with a two year old. No parks, no library, no shopping, no movie, no nothing. Me and my child in our house for 168 hours!! This thought terrifies me.

Some germy little snot nose child (okay he really isn't that bad) at my daughter's daycare has tested positive for the virus and when I picked up MJ today she had a fever of 103 and smelled like vomit. When I asked her why she replied, "Cause I puked in my mouth and swallowed it!" Nice. When I got her home I also discovered she has diarrhea and a horrible diaper rash. I talked to a friend of mine and he confirmed that I should take her in to get tested in the morning or if I had a had a death wish, I could always take her to the emergency room tonight.

Oh well, guess it won't be so bad. I do have three bottles of wine and a bottle of vanilla vodka here to numb the pain if the isolation is horrible (for me, not the toddler of course).

Wish me luck at the doctors. Here's hoping for a negative test result!

Hopefully yours,
Moi

Day that Sucked - Well Semi-Sucked

My day sucked. It wasn't horrible end in tears kind of day but I am glad it is over. My whole big plan to go in, get my report done, and go home early went to shit. I did get my report done by noon, but by that time MJ is having nap time at daycare. I figured, why pick her up while she is sleeping, right??

Since I wasn't swamped busy at work I figured I would take a actual lunch hour and go and get all signed up for my gym membership (I signed up over the phone as I was four hours away at my parents but wanted to get in on the deal). I just wanted to confirm the childcare when the membership coordinator guy looked at me with a lost look in his eyes - there is no childcare at this location at the present time. The gym in the north end of the city has childcare but that is a 20 to 30 minute drive. Sorry no sale. They did refund my sign up fee with no hassle. This does however leave me with no gym. I guess I will have to get motivated by myself. I have gained this week so I better start soon.

Daycare called at 3:00 pm letting me know MJ's temp was about 101.5. I gave them permission to give her Tylenol and told them I would pick her up early. Due to the mass confusion of the work day I left a whole 10 minutes early. One of my bosses kept asking for things and it didn't feel right leaving (to his credit I didn't tell him I had a sick kid, he had way bigger problems today). Not like it really mattered, when I picked up MJ she was fine, running and playing with the best of them. Regardless, I felt like a poppy mommy, I know I am not but trying to leave work and knowing I couldn't I sure felt like it.

So on top of all of this, one of the ladies I worked with kept telling me how bad I looked cause I looked so tired. Wow, there is kindness for you. Some people need to be kicked in the shins - hard!! When has it become acceptable to tell someone they look like shit? Okay, I do look tired today but that is so beyond the point.

On that note, I am off to bed. Hopefully I will be up running at some ungodly early hour. I do love my life, I really do, just not at this very moment. I will again tomorrow.

Moi

Excuse Me? You Vagina is Showing

I am not too sure how many people actually read my blog but if you have been following my blog you know I have a potential date on the horizon. I should correct that statement I had a potential date on the horizon. That was until I pointed out that Mr Big Man was being a big baby! Okay so I know I am a bitch but I was being truthful.


Let me start from the beginning...


My prospective date (now to be know as Mr Man) travels a lot for his job. Eight months out of the year, he is gone for every second week, sometimes more. To be honest when I heard this I actually got excited, I love my me time and if I had a boyfriend who was gone half the time, I would get that. (Most guys say they aren't clingy but are!) Anywho, I told him the truth that his travelling wouldn't bother me as I am not that kind of girl and he said that is good as most girls get jealous.

Truthfully, it doesn't bother me. I am not the sit by the phone kinds gal. Honestly, I only miss having a boyfriend when I need boy things done (yes I know I am horrible). I do want a man in my life but don't need someone to make me whole but rather I would like someone to compliment what I already have. I know that this my lack of adoration is not what most men are looking for but I already have a number one in my life.

So Mr Man texted me today to see if I missed him. Having just suffered through a terrible two melt down, I answered back that it was hard to miss anyone when chasing after a two year old. His big boy answer, was 'ouch'. I responded 'really?' That was two hours ago and I haven't heard from him since.

Okay, I know I was a little harsh but come on!! I barely know the guy am I suppose to text my undying love to him after I haven't talked to him for an hour? (No I do not have a penis so please don't ask.) Ever since becoming a mom, and especially since being left by the ex, I have become a little hard around the edges when it comes to relying on others. I don't. I know I am the shit show and am fine with that. I am very self sufficient, which is what Mr. Man said he liked about me.

Now how do I balance. I know men want to be adored, put on a pedestal and respected above all else. I adore and put MJ on a pedestal, there is no room for a man up there with her. Yes, your relationship is suppose to come before anything else but what happens when you have to establish that relationship after your child is already here. (Yes, this is partially my fault for not following the natural order of things but there is nothing I can do know.)

I really don't want to be that girl who sits by the phone missing her boyfriend. I have been that girl and was not really happy doing it. How do I be a strong independent women who is desirable to men? I would like to have someone in my life but how do I not put my daughter first?

Now another question, I like this guy, what should do? I am not a very humble person to tuck my tail between my legs. I don't know if I should. I do believe that if something is meant to be it will be but also that if you want something you have to work for it. Fuck. Why can't life be easy.

Humbly yours,
Moi

I Think I May be a Prude

Prude would never be a word that has been used to describe me. Now I would not say I am a slut but I am no stranger to sex (mind you that has been monogamous sex). I discuss sex with my girlfriends and rarely get embarrassed (some people share things that are shocking) usually have some tidbits to share myself.

I was talking to my new prospective date yesterday and became very uncomfortable with the conversation. (Keep in mind that our 'relationship' has not progressed passes the texting stage and we have not had a phone conversation yet or met face to face.) We were trading questions and answers back and forth when he asked me when the last time time I was with a guy. It was asked at the same time as another question so I just chose not to answer it hoping he would get the hint but then like five minutes later he asked about women losing their sex drive after having kids. I responded that after kids people just find themselves with less time and a lot more tired at the end of the day (I answered it rather vague and with no real personal info). He then says something like 'oh I guess you don't like sex anymore'. I let him know that that was personal information and that a relationship should be built out of the bedroom before jumping into it.

Am I that far out of touch that this should be acceptable discussion before even starting to date. Mind you I think the guy is taking our talking much more serious than I am as he has stopped all communications with all other girls where as I am not putting all my eggs in one basket (my eggs are pretty lonely but there is more than one). Still, I do not care when the last time anyone has had sex and unless it is an appropriate part of the conversation (ie they are bitching about how long it was since they had sex) I never ask.

This may seem a little funny coming from the girl who told the world wide web the last time she had sex but in my defence there is only like five people who read my blog so I think I am pretty safe there. But I am a girl who learns from her mistakes. I am not going to sleep with someone new (or old) until I know that I am going to be with this person a long time, hopefully the person I am going to marry. It is hard for me as I am not a virgin to 'save myself' but I really want to - I am special and should be treated as such. I guess I could be the 'everything but girl' but I really want my next time to be special, it will be the first person other than the ex I have been with since 2001.

I sometimes feel like I should sleep with someone just to get the ex out of my system but I am not that girl. Even if I was the only one who knew about it, I am not the random sex kind of person, never have been. I want a relationship more than I want a person I can have sex with. If worse comes to worse, and I had to chose, I chose companionship over hot sex (or really any sex). I can have sex with myself but talking to yourself all day just makes you look crazy!!

Prudishly yours,
Moi

PS I must apologize if you find the pic offensive. I captures my feelings of sex right now. I am a sexual being but a being that I have chosen to put away for a while.

A Good Day Turned Bad

I had a wonderful day today. One it was Friday so there is always a silver lining to the day knowing that you don't have to work the in less than 24 hours. But other than that it was a great - I set myself up for a raise/promotion (maybe, keep your fingers crossed for me), got all the work done that I needed and even got to leave 10 minutes early.

The ex is suppose to come for a visit this weekend so I called him so that he could talk to his daughter and to firm up the details. We talked for a while when he dropped the bomb on me. He was coming up with his girlfriend. The snake slipped it into the end of the conversation when MJ was acting up, knowing I would be unable to talk about it more. Apparently, his girlfriend (we'll call her Betty) has some work to do in fine city so they will come down on Sunday and then spend the day with MJ on Monday. I am not sure exactly how much actual time she will be spending in my home cause I had to go (partly cause I was going to start yelling and partly cause MJ already was).

Now calm and rational are not two words I would ever use to describe myself but come on. I am sure Betty is a wonderful person but truly I don't want to meet her. This is for many reasons (for a recap of one reason please refer to It Certainly was a Spooktacular Weekend). But now I am freaking out cause I am going to have to meet her. (Do you think it is possible to lose 20 pounds in two days?? Anyone have a tapeworm I can borrow?) I have to fanatically clean my house (I am just that way, its a sickness) and be perfect for when the fucking happy couple show up on Sunday, around noon. I am sorry, I just don't want the bitch in my house until I am happily married, with perfect hair and a gorgeous body (yes I am shallow and vain).

The worst part of this whole thing is that the ex wanted to start talking about getting back together!!! Now I do know she has to work but if she will be spending most of her time her, that is totally out of my comfort zone. He has been hinting at it for a while and it is usually on the back of my mind so I asked him point blank one day if he wanted to get back together (a couple of weeks ago) and he said yes but would rather discuss it in person. I have not even talked to him on the phone since then and now this.

My life is weird. I love it but it is weird.

I got to go now. Time to wash and wax the kitchen floor now that the oven is cleaned. Do you think 39 hours is enough time to paint the house??

Anxiously yours,
Moi

Does this Mean I am Bitter and Jaded?? ***UPDATED***

So me and the other half of the free world watched the first black president of the United States Inauguration Ceremony today. I expected to uplifted and inspired by Mr Obama. I wanted to have goosebumps on my arms. I wanted more 'bending the arch of history'. What I got was 'the swill of civil war'.

The speech was depressing. It pointed out what was wrong with the world and with the United States (really, you need to tell us the economy is in the toilet and there is war) and offered little to no solutions. Other than a Clintonesque 'controlling big government' there was little Obama offered in glimmer of hope. Now there were people crying and nodding their head throughout the speech but what was said was a lot of nothingness.

Do not get me wrong, I am not anti-Obama. Far from it. I believe in his drive and determination and think it is wonderful that there is a black President but compared to his speech right after the election, I was disappointed. Does this mean I am bitter and jaded or maybe I expect more from my elected officials in ways of inspiring the masses. (Those who actually know what I do may find this statement funny but I believe a politicians job is to make me feel like everything is not hopeless.)

I guess every asshole is entitled to an opinion, this one is mine.

Bitterly yours,
Moi


*** Watching the inauguration ceremonies tonight and the hope that people have for Obama is very uplifting and inspirational. The hope and joy one person can bring to a nation is magical and amazing. For that I am happy. But why is it that I am more inspired by a dance serenaded by Beyonce that by a Presidential speech??

I Love Being a Mom but...

My post is a little random and skips around a bit but I am a bit sleep deprived and just spilled out my feelings.

Ok I do love being a mom but this single mom with no family or good friends in the area is really starting to suck. If I hear one more time how being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world (someone told me I actually had it easy) I am going to slap someone. Ok, I know being a stay at home mom is hard work and I envy and admire those who are fortunate enough to do it but being a single mommy who works full time is no cake walk.

I love my daughter and I love my job but between the hours of 5 to 6:30 pm I don't really like either. Because I have to work till 5 by the time I get MJ home she is a bitch (I know she is only two but come on at times she is awful) because she is so hungry. If I don't have supper on the table in 10 minutes or less, it is horrible. I have gotten pretty good at the whole process and even have appetizer some nights (like crackers and maybe even some cheese) but since starting work after a two week absence it has not been a good time. MJ is not getting as much sleep as she did on holidays and it is starting to show.

I am frustrated. I admit that. But what happened today makes me angry. On top of not having a bad start to the week with MJ, I was totally shafted by one of the girls I work with. I was talking with some of the girls about I never get to go out in my new city and how we should plan for a ladies movie night. One of the ladies said we should do a weekend brunch and matinee. I got excited and suggested this Sunday cause the ex is coming to give MJ her Christmas present and see Bride Wars. Everyone was really excited and the time worked for everyone.

So I am super pumped. So I checked into day so see if we had some firm dates and times and got some bad news... another single mommy who used to work in the office was invited along (no problem) but because she has her little boy on Sunday they changed the day to Saturday. FUCK!! I have no sitter for Saturday and this outing was using all of my entertainment budget for the month (thanks for the budgeting tips Tyler) and slightly dipped into my food budget (like $3 so I didn't feel that bad). However, I cannot afford the extra $30 to $40 for a sitter.

Needless to say I was a little pissed. I understand flexing our plans to help out another person (I am not totally selfish) but because they changed plans, I can no longer go! I am the one who suggested it. The upside is that I can splurge on groceries this week and buy bran name soup instead of no name. Lol

I realize that the week isn't going well and this doesn't make it any better. I know I am fortunate and am thankful for what I have but I can't help but wonder in my sad pity party state, when will things start to pick up. I am looking at MJ starting some activities and am looking into joining a church to meet some like people which I hope will help with the friends part.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic story. I promise next time I will drink more (or at least start drinking) before posting so it will be a little more upbeat!!

Sadly,
Moi

My Life in Excess

I have come to the harsh realization that I live my life in the land of excess. In almost all areas of my life, I full fill myself with crap!!

My little sister is pregnant (yippee) and has asked for me to donate all my old maternity clothes. Since I will not be pregnant for a long time and they are short on money, I have no problem helping out. To get to the box of mat clothes I had to go through some clothes I bought for MJ for future use. OMG, I had bought so much clothing for my two year old daughter she will not wear half of it. (I would like to take a minute to explain that 95% of this excess is used clothes I have bought in a lot sale off of eBay or at consignment stores.) I realized half my boxes under the stair were clothes MJ had grown out of and that was with giving about 6 BOXES of clothes to the local children's shelter.

I was shaking my head at myself when I opened another box to find two pairs of bran-spanking new Uggs. Yes that is right, never worn Uggs. (I bought them direct from China for cheap last winter and they were too small and I always thought I would sell them but alas did not.) I have three Rubbermaid totes of clothes that do not fit me (my skinny clothes that I am hoping to fit into again) and a closet full of clothes that do fit.

Feeling like I should tighten my belt a bit I planned out my meals for this week. Before I went grocery store (see I am trying) I went to look in my freezer to see what I had in it am disgusted to say, I needed nothing. I have a freezer full of food - a small freezer (in my honesty I am trying not to feel horrible about myself). I went to looked in my fridge freezer and things fell out. So I went through my recipe books and figured out what I could make without having to buy more. I went to the grocery store and bought 80% fresh produce (there were some awesome sales that I could not pass up - I mean like $0.37 Dora and Princess canned pasta - a single mommy's dream).

So I have my meal plan which should keep my on my weight loss track right? F&%k no!! I cannot believe what crap I will stick in my mouth and what ridiculous excuses I will use not to get my ass on my treadmill (yes did I mention I have a $2000 treadmill (I got it half price on an excelled sale so I spend under a grand) which sits close to ideal in my basement. I am so scared to step on the scale cause I have lumps and bumps where I didn't a couple of months ago.

I am doing up a budget next because I also got my visa bill today, those purchases were not paid by cash. No more purchases other than necessities (and no a new shirt does not count as necessary). I will look into selling my items that are no longer needed and start using the items I should use (see treadmill).

If any one has any advise how I can stop living like a glutton, please, show me the light!!!

Desperately yours,
Moi

Okay, So I Am A Bitch

So I always knew I had bitchy moments, who doesn't. Even my most saintliest of friends (and I do have a few) say and/or do bitchy things once in a blue moon. I never considered myself the bitchy ex-wife though (okay so technically I was never married but we were together for 6 years and had a kid).

One of the ladies I work with is going through a tough patch right now. She and her new boyfriend both have kids with a person they have gotten a divorce from. Anywhoo, everyone was discussing how unreasonable her boyfriend's ex-wife was being. Everyone in the room was shocked and appalled at the behaviour of this women, they could not believe her demands and how she wanted to control the situation. I listen to the stories and though "fuck, she sounds like me!!" Now there are differences between the two situations, but the similarities were close enough.

I happened to mention this to the ladies discussing the situation how I thought maybe I was a bitch and one of the women said "you are one act I would hate to follow." Oops. I never thought I was that bad. Oh well. To tell you the truth, its not like I am going to change anytime soon. The ex is rather irresponsible and he has a lot of proving to do to me before I let him have unlimited parenting rights. (I could go on and on about the irresponsibility of my ex but really I just get angry talking about it.)

So, I guess I am a bitchy ex-wife. I will wear it as a badge of honour. I know this will probably make Tyler sad but I am a happier person for being an ex-wife. I got the best of my ex by getting MJ and am no longer constantly fighting with the one I am suppose to love and support.

Love the ever bitchy Moi

Goals Smoals

I am a little sad today. Well not sad so much as disappointed in myself. It is exactly three months since I have moved and things have not been going to my master plan (realizing that my master plan was a little unrealistic).

Goal I have not reached:

Be dating. By this time, I expected men in my new city to realize the wonderfulness that is me and be banging down my door in hopes to spend a few minutes with me. (OK so I have had a few people asked me out but no actual dates came about.)

Lose 20 pounds. Does gaining seven and losing six count? I really don’t care if its 10 days till Christmas, my weight loss is starting (AGAIN) today. One good thing about being slow at work for the holidays is that I can plan my point menu at work. I have up to Wednesday done.

Home renovations. Other than the few things my dad did when I first moved in, I have done nothing to improve the appearance of my home. I wanted to paint, put up new mouldings and interior doors, and maybe even decorate. As I look at my visa balance it may be a blessing in disguise that this task hasn’t been started.


Now don’t worry about me. I am not anywhere close to actually feeling too badly. These are all things that can be fixed. I can change my life to head towards my goals. Give me another three months and I could be dangerous!!

Moi

My Life is Wonderful

So MJ has been sick (yes again). She had a fever of 102.5 last night. I drugged her into a sleeping coma (not really, it was her bedtime any way) and this morning her temp was down to 98.5. Cool, throw some more Tylenol in her and off to work. I was contemplating staying home with her but alas, everyone is out sick, well one girl is having surgery and the other was super sick yesterday.

About noon, daycare called and MJ's temp was up to 103.3!!! Needless to say I was a little freaked. So I went to another mom in my office (lets call her Cattie) who job is not to answer the phones but who used to do my job so she know what to do. She has made a stink in the past about being pulled to answer the phones but her kid was in the hospital sick not too long ago so I thought I would get some sympathy. No such luck. She told me to find someone else cause she was busy!!!!

So I called a friend in another office to see if she could come down and help out. She said she would have to okay it with her boss but is shouldn't be a problem. At this point I BURST into tears. I was worried and frustrated. I pulled it together, apologized, and told her to let me know as soon as she could.

I emailed my boss to let her know what was going on and to ask the okay to pull in someone else. I started to put my stuff away (I was leaving no matter what, just didn't know when.) The Cattie came up and apologized for brushing me off and told me to go. (I checked my email and had to giggle a bit. My boss had no problem with my leaving, of course, but that she was directing Cattie to drop what she was doing immediately and come answer the phones so I could leave.)

So off I went to wait in the walk in clinic for 2.5 hours. Why I didn't call my doctor to see I could get into see her before I left the office is beyond my comprehension. Anywhooo.... My child has slapping disease!!! Well that is what they think it is anyway. Not a big deal unless I was pregnant. So I think she will be staying home for at least tomorrow. Not sure yet how I am going to pull that off, I am going to call the sick girl to see how she is feeling and if not, I can as the ex to come and help out. If not, I could always go in for a bit to work with a sick kid.

Why is being a single mom so much wonder and joy!!! It is not so bad, I have re-drugged her up and she is wonderfully happy watching Mickey Mouse for the fourth time since we got home which is why I have some spare time to blog. Best part is fifths disease (another name for slapping disease) is a viral infection which means MJ has no appetite so no having to cook supper for this momma tonight!!! (See, there is always a silver lining if you look close enough.)

Moi

My Baby is Back

My baby is home!!! Grandma brought MJ home on Friday and I never thought I could make it through the week. Many times I wanted to go get her but what stopped me was the countless thank yous I got from my dad every time I called to check in on her (which was a mildly obsessive amount). He would answer the phone with multiple thank yous. It was very touching. Of course I know my parents love her but I never realized just how much they missed her. So I think that she will spend a week away from me again for the simple fact that everyone enjoyed themselves so much (with the exclusion of me).

I have talked to another single mommy friend of mine who has shared custody with her ex and who takes her daughter a week at a time frequently. She is very wise and gave me the advise to enjoy the time away by doing things you normally can't do, like trips to Walmart at 8 pm, hanging out with friends or, do I dare say, even go on a date or two.

I wish I could have enjoyed my time away from MJ a bit more but I was knocked flat on my ass with the flu. I slept 18 hours in a 24 hour period. I am still not feeling perfect (still really tired) but at least I know I am on the mend. It was a blessing MJ wasn't here for me to infect.

There has been a progress update between myself and my ex. The few conscious hours when I was sick from work to write him a goodbye letter. Now I know that may sound stupid but I needed him to know how I felt for me to start the healing process of getting over him once again. Even though I love him, I know we are not good together. I would rather have him be a great father to MJ than a shitty husband to me (cause we all know a shitty husband usually means a shitty father and a very unhappy household). What was frustrating was that I poured my heart out and he barely responded... three whole sentences, none of which actually acknowledged my feeling but rather bitched about how I didn't call him so he could talk to HIS daughter. That is a great thing, shows my that we are not meant to be - helps me move on.

I went to a fantastic wedding on Saturday that renewed my faith in love. I will find it. I deserve it. My life will work out. I know it.

Moi

I want to stroke something and it certainly isn't your ego

Ok, this is my rant and it is a little long so poor yourself a cup of joe and sit back and enjoy the bitch...

Boys suck ass in way too many ways to mention right now. How is it that 3 of them can piss me off beyond belief in one fucking night. (There will probably be a few f-bombs in this post, not apologizing, just letting you know.) And its because it was all in one night that I am so mad.

Just to recap my dating life, I had an ex that I have recently had sex with and two prospective dates (there has been day dates with both but not to the actual dating level yet). This was before 6 pm tonight.

At 6:03 pm Mr Football sends me a text. (A little background... we have went to lunch once about three weeks ago but since he lives out of town and isn't moving back for a few months it has been really hard to arrange a second date considering that I only have one popular babysitter. Anyway, this past weekend Mr Football invited me out like three times, each time with little warning so I had to decline. I explained that I can't spontaneously go out and if he wanted to do something he would have to let me know with some notice. ) He is upset that I seem 'distant' and he was wondering if I really wanted to date him cause he was 'serious' about dating me. Fuck off. I was serious until you stared acting like a whinny bitch. I don't want to get serious. I want to date.

So then I am talking to my little sister and tell her about the whole my ex is dating before me (I did leave out the embarrassing sex incident - that I will only share with you). Anywhoo.... I told her I was so much prettier and she told me to send a pic of the new girlfriend. So I go on facebook to steal her image and her status was something about going out on Saturday. Something made me look and her birthday was October 18th. (Background, my ex was suppose to come up this weekend but he was sooo broke. Him not coming up means no one to watch MJ, meaning no date for mama this weekend.) Now I am even more pissed. He lied to me to go out with his little scanky bitch. FUCK FUCK. Oh and, cause MJ wanted to talk to him I called him to leave a message, blah, blah, when I finally did get a hold of him he said he was working all weekend. No he was getting drunk birthday sex.

So when Mr Cute called I shouldn't have even picked up the phone. Now Mr Cute is ubuer cute (hence the nickname), he is 26, a personal trainer and goes to university part time. After some pretty good flirting I asked what he was taking in school (just not a subject we had broached yet). He told me economics but he wasn't doing so well. I told him I loved econ and could help if he needed. I used to tutor econ in university. He said maybe. I asked him what classes he was taking and he said the 100 level. I told him not to worry, they got easier and I got way higher marks in my 400 level courses than in my 100. He seemed a little stunned and got really quite, letting me go shortly after.

For Mr Football - I am not going to drop my life and drag my daughter across town (for lack of a babysitter) cause you want to see me this very moment. And no, I am not letting you come over to my house with a sleeping daughter upstairs cause you couldn't be bother to plan an actual date with me.

For me Ex - Buck up and be a man and a father. I understand the need for another girlfriend, but don't lie to me. This is time with your daughter. (I need to admit, to be a bitch I cancelled this weekend between the two of them. I feel justified and I really don't care.)

For Mr. Cute - You know what, I am not that girl who puts herself in a corner to make other look better. I am the star of the fucking show and if you want to be with me you better fucking get used to it. Yes, I do let people shine in their accomplishments, but am not going to hide the fact that I am smart and accomplished.

Ok, I know I am over reacting but come on, all in one night makes you loose it a bit. I am going to bed now. Need to run tomorrow. Everything always looks better after running.

Moi