I Had a Break Down - Now You Are in for Some Trouble!!!

I am not sure what happened this weekend. It started out really good and slid into really bad pretty quick. Now I must say my binge this weekend is nothing of binges of the past but considering I am trying hard it was discouraging. On top of it, I didn't exercise cause I was being a lazy sloth!!

Actually I know exactly what happened, I was told that my raise that I was suppose to get wasn't coming because of the poopy economy and the couple of people who keep saying they will take MJ so I can have some me time pulled out at the last weekend so my relaxing Saturday was shot to shit. I get tired of being a single mommy in a city that none of my family live in so that if I ever want to do something without MJ I have to pay someone.

Monday came and although I didn't exercise, I did eat really well. I didn't put crap into my body but was still being Eeyore about my life (oh so glum, nothing will ever be good). Like many people, I get down on myself at times. I stopped myself yesterday from eating myself into feeling worse which is a step in the right direction.

This morning, thanks to Karilynn I dragged my ass out of my warm and cozy bed at 5 am (okay, so it was more like 5:10) and got on my treadmill. I told myself, it doesn't matter if you crawl, you are doing 30 minutes. As my mind cleared and the music on my ipod picked up, I did run. As I ran I began to think, there are many things in my life I like, there are many that I don't. There are certain things in my life I can change and certain things I have no control over. I started going through my list of what I don't like about my life and I can change and I am sure it is no surprise to anyone that I came to the realization that I don't want to be fat anymore. I kept saying it and saying it and began to cry.

I want immediate results. I want to be thin now. I know that it isn't possible and I have a lot of work to do. One great thing about this choice though is that when I get stressed about what I can't change in my life, I can exercise and help get closer to my goal. Losing weight really isn't that hard, eat less and exercise more. Become accountable for what you put in your body and sweat your ass off.

Come on Biggest Loser contenders, make me work for it. This is not going to be a 3 pound weight loss month. I want that $100 prize money. I have my eye on a pair of boots that are going to look great on my sculpted calves!!!

At Least I am Not 176.5

Okay so I am not proud of my October 1st weigh in weight. It is totally my fault. I started out strong and then slipped, got back on track and then slipped again. Slept in instead of getting up and exercising, sat on my ass after MJ went to bed instead of getting a move on. Although I have been in the Biggest Loser 2009 weight loss challenge for 30 days I have only been trying for 17 days max. Due to all of this my new weight is 173.

I have come to a realization, yes I am a very slow learner, weight loss is not a zero sum game. If you fuck up one day, do not leave the bad stuff behind you and just start anew. You work your ass off the next day to make up for the mistakes you have made. If you want to eat bad, or just slip up - get off your ass and exercise, make it up to yourself.

I had a bad day yesterday and to make myself better I ate two mini-chocolate bars and a box of smarties. I was pissed that I made the mistake so I got up this morning for my 30 minutes on the treadmill and then went for a 45 minute walk at lunch today. From this point forward, I am going to either earn or make up for my mistakes.

What really makes me bad about my weigh in is that when I weighed myself on Monday (as my ww regime) I was 171.5. Now I realize that weight is easy to fluctuate but I really wish I was posting a lower weight picture. But I am not, so I will own this weight in a hope of not having to own it for much longer. I am trying to plan a hot holiday for January and I figured out on my walk today that is 14 weeks away - enough time to loose at least 24 pounds and put me below the 150 mark. Yes I have to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas but if I want to feel good about myself on the beach, that is what I need to do.

Great Day

I had a great day today but still have an immense craving for a Carmel Dipps bar.

Today I ate within my points limit (and I recorded everything, even the two measly almonds I ate for a stinken 0.5 of a point), stuck to my meal plan and ran/walked at lunch. My run at lunch was fabulous, I bet I doubled what I ran yesterday and other than being incredibly sweaty I felt great. One bad thing is that I am starting to run in super hot weather at mid-day. Oh well, when it cools off, it will only get better. I didn't eat my activity points, I am saving it to make up for my apple pie splurge on Monday.

I have likened my love a food to an addiction before. Like any good addict, it takes a while to get the crap out of my system. I am seriously craving bad food. I have been trying to justify eating just a bit of crap but am trying not to give in because I know I can't just have a bit. It is a very slippery slope with me and junk food. After detoxing (not an actual detox but more of a no junk detox), I am able to have just a bit but until that time, I am scared to start. This is why all I can think about is the Carmel Dipps bar. It is sugary crap covered in chocolate that I so want but am holding out on till I get over the hump. For the past two days I pick it up, look at it, think about opening and then put back. I don't even want to say, if I eat healthy for a week I can have it because I need to stop rewarding myself with food.

Oh well, wish me luck for tomorrow. I have a coworkers farewell lunch at a restaurant. I planned the whole thing so I have to go. This means that there will be a bad meal and no lunch run. I do have a plan to counteract this by going on a big walk with the daughter in her stroller after work should help. (We are planning for a two hour walk which should help.) Plus, I am not going to order whatever I want at lunch - I will keep it sensible.

I am off to go check on the other Biggest Loser bloggs. I am hoping everyone is doing well and is trying to make life changes and not just lose a few pounds.

Moi

I Ran Today

Running for me is not that astonishing. I used to run a far bit. That being said, I have not run for a long time. I have been trying to get back into it but every time I plan to run, I always have an excuse not to (I don't want to wake up an hour early to do it, I don't want to run at lunch at get all sweaty, its too late and I am tired).

Today, I was suppose to walk at lunch with a coworker. Something came up on her end and I thought, oh well, I will just go out by myself. I changed out of my work clothes, slapped on my runners and put on my ipod and off I went. Me plan was to just walk but I spend the last 20 minutes before lunch reading some of the other Biggest Loser competition blogs. About half way through my walk I came upon a large women running. Now the women was at least 75 pounds heavier than me and was breathing pretty hard. I was inspired and started off in a jog. I didn't get very far the first time, but after a quick break, I started again. As soon as I got into a good rhythm, I remembered how much I love to run.

Being reminded of how good I feel exercising, I am going to set a new goal for myself. On top of trying to menu plan healthy alternatives, I am going to try for at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day. Please, feel free to ask what I am doing as sometimes shame does keep me motivated. :)

Bad thing about trying to clean up my eating habits this week is that I am going through bad food withdrawals right now. I keep trying to go eat bad things and then stop myself. I know this will pass in a week or so but the first couple of days is so hard. I did have a snack size kit kat today but other than gum it has been all healthy, homemade food for me. What got me through the day was my eggs and bacon meal I planned for supper. I love eggs and bacon and knew I could only have it if I didn't slip today. I did it and because I didn't have stupid crap, I even allowed myself one extra slice of bacon (yes real bacon, none of that imitation turkey shit).

All in all a good day. Yeah me!!

Moi

The Week is Planned

I am a planner. No I didn't plan to be fat but I can honestly say I am fat cause I didn't have a plan not to be. When I don't plan, I over eat and under exercise. I won't lie, if I could be skinny by sitting on the couch, watching bad tv and eating poutine I would be waif thin. Unfortunately, when I do that, my ass gets bigger. To counteract the growing, I have a plan for spread.

I have menu planned for the week. It is an easy and actually not that expensive menu that uses up a lot of stuff I already have. I find when I am all planned out, it is much easier to stay on track and even plan where to use your bonus points. Plus, everything is already entered into my ww online tool so I know what my snacking potential for everyday. I have between 5 to 10 snacking points (yes 10) to random eat.

I really try not to go into my 'weekly points' but if I find something that is truly delectable that is a limited time offer, I will dip in. I will plan for chocolate (I use activity points to counter balance my chocolate addiction) but if I have a plan, I won't use my precious points on a kitkat. With all of my careful planning, I made the informed decision to dip into my extra points and I did it for the the most decadent pie I have ever eaten. No regrets. It was homemade apple pie with apples that were grown in a backyard. It was picture perfect and the smell was almost too good to eat it - almost but not quite. It was 10 points of heaven. Because of it, I worked out tonight and hope to get my ass in gear tomorrow to hope on the treadmill.

My week is off to a great start, it better keep going, as all my pants are getting tight and if I don't start losing soon, I don't know what I will do.

Moi

Biggest Loser 2009

Okay, once again my weight has gotten out of control. This ridiculous. As most women I know, weight is a constant struggle with me. In an attempt to get me motivated, I have joined another weight loss challenge, Biggest Loser 2009. The rules are easy and it involves money (paying and winning).

We only weigh in once a month so to start it all off, we needed to take a picture of us on a digital scale. I was going to wait until morning to step on the scale but figured, fuck it, I weigh what I weigh. I just about cried. At the end of June my weight was 161.5 pounds. I just stepped on the scale and I am now 176.5. My feet even look fat in the picture.

I have been eating uncontrollably lately and have been doing zero exercise so I shouldn't be too surprised. Still feels like a punch to the stomach. Why is weight so hard to lose and so easy to put back on.

Wish me luck. It starts now!!!

Moi