I Had a Break Down - Now You Are in for Some Trouble!!!

I am not sure what happened this weekend. It started out really good and slid into really bad pretty quick. Now I must say my binge this weekend is nothing of binges of the past but considering I am trying hard it was discouraging. On top of it, I didn't exercise cause I was being a lazy sloth!!

Actually I know exactly what happened, I was told that my raise that I was suppose to get wasn't coming because of the poopy economy and the couple of people who keep saying they will take MJ so I can have some me time pulled out at the last weekend so my relaxing Saturday was shot to shit. I get tired of being a single mommy in a city that none of my family live in so that if I ever want to do something without MJ I have to pay someone.

Monday came and although I didn't exercise, I did eat really well. I didn't put crap into my body but was still being Eeyore about my life (oh so glum, nothing will ever be good). Like many people, I get down on myself at times. I stopped myself yesterday from eating myself into feeling worse which is a step in the right direction.

This morning, thanks to Karilynn I dragged my ass out of my warm and cozy bed at 5 am (okay, so it was more like 5:10) and got on my treadmill. I told myself, it doesn't matter if you crawl, you are doing 30 minutes. As my mind cleared and the music on my ipod picked up, I did run. As I ran I began to think, there are many things in my life I like, there are many that I don't. There are certain things in my life I can change and certain things I have no control over. I started going through my list of what I don't like about my life and I can change and I am sure it is no surprise to anyone that I came to the realization that I don't want to be fat anymore. I kept saying it and saying it and began to cry.

I want immediate results. I want to be thin now. I know that it isn't possible and I have a lot of work to do. One great thing about this choice though is that when I get stressed about what I can't change in my life, I can exercise and help get closer to my goal. Losing weight really isn't that hard, eat less and exercise more. Become accountable for what you put in your body and sweat your ass off.

Come on Biggest Loser contenders, make me work for it. This is not going to be a 3 pound weight loss month. I want that $100 prize money. I have my eye on a pair of boots that are going to look great on my sculpted calves!!!

I May Be Dying

Okay so maybe a tad dramatic but I feel like complete shit. I have had a sinus cold since Tuesday. I have not missed work and have not ducked out of any commitments. I have gone to work in a dayquil/advil cold and sinus drug haze, came home, made supper, even ventured out to Costco once, and have kept my house in surprisingly good shape. I have kept it together for the most part until today.

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning and felt like crying for my mommy. I had the cold sweats and my throat felt like it was about to give birth to 40 pound boulders. (On the upside, there was no sinus pain!) I laid in bed in pain for 5 minutes, willing myself to get up before I could work up the energy to drag my ass out of bed to take some tylenol and drink something cold for my throat.

I got up at, took some more drug, got MJ ready and went to swimming. But before I left the house, I thought it would be a great idea to spray my oven with oven cleaner so that I could clean it when I got back. (I should really cut back on the medication - it leads to bad decisions.) So I even have a perfectly (so at least half assed) clean stove right now. But I also got oven cleaner on my floor so I now need to scrub that off my floor. FUCK. Why I am sick. All I want to do is go to bed.

So the ex called to see if I got my child support payment (yippee!!) which I had. Hearing me, he realizes that I am sick and ASKS is there is anything he can do. I in a near tears state (I cry when I am sick) ask if he can come down to take care of his child so I can take care of me and he says he wishes he could but he has plans for tonight. FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF!!! I hung up the phone and just cried. What makes me the most angry about it is that he has really been talking about wanting to get back together (again - boo) which I have no been receptive too at all. I told him unless he can show me that his daughter and me come first in his live that I would not even consider a reconciliation. I should expect this and would probably take it better if I wasn't feeling like I have been scrapped off the bottom of someone shoe.

Well I feel like shit and my face is still burning. I don't think it is related to my illness either. At work, we go out for spa nights. We had one on Thursday and I decided to treat myself to a facial. It was more than I anticipated ($120) but my skin felt so good after I thought it was worth it. Well that was until I showered the next morning. When the water hit my face it burned. Not mildly stung, it burned. I have had facials before and never experienced this before. I got out of the shower and my face was bright red and super tender. Nice. I did get a eye brow wax with my facial but my brow bone was six times as red that morning as the night before. It was not slightly pink - it was red.

I took some advil sinus and went off to work. By 8 am I had to take some regular advil cause my face hurt so bad. I called the spa and the person who answered the phone could not understand why that would happen cause "they only use organic product." Guess what, uranium is organic too and there is no way I want to rub that on my face. No big deal, she says she will have the manager call me back when she is free in a couple of hours. Do you think she actually called back? No. So when I went to swimming lessons this morning the chlorinated water was wonderful on my skin. It is still slightly tingly. I should have taken pics to document it. Seriously looked like I had a bad chemical peel on parts of my face the day after.

So now I am sick, with a hurting face, emotional, needing to go scrub oven cleaner off my floor... who says I am not a catch!!

It will get better. It must get better. I will not accept defeat. I can do this. If I am not feeling better, I will get a sitter for MJ, go to a walk in for some prescriptions drug and stop by the spa on the way home to bitch slap the manager who never called me back.

On the plus side of this all, MJ is quite the little nurse. I am glad she is here (sort of) to take care of me.

Moi

A Good Day Turned Bad

I had a wonderful day today. One it was Friday so there is always a silver lining to the day knowing that you don't have to work the in less than 24 hours. But other than that it was a great - I set myself up for a raise/promotion (maybe, keep your fingers crossed for me), got all the work done that I needed and even got to leave 10 minutes early.

The ex is suppose to come for a visit this weekend so I called him so that he could talk to his daughter and to firm up the details. We talked for a while when he dropped the bomb on me. He was coming up with his girlfriend. The snake slipped it into the end of the conversation when MJ was acting up, knowing I would be unable to talk about it more. Apparently, his girlfriend (we'll call her Betty) has some work to do in fine city so they will come down on Sunday and then spend the day with MJ on Monday. I am not sure exactly how much actual time she will be spending in my home cause I had to go (partly cause I was going to start yelling and partly cause MJ already was).

Now calm and rational are not two words I would ever use to describe myself but come on. I am sure Betty is a wonderful person but truly I don't want to meet her. This is for many reasons (for a recap of one reason please refer to It Certainly was a Spooktacular Weekend). But now I am freaking out cause I am going to have to meet her. (Do you think it is possible to lose 20 pounds in two days?? Anyone have a tapeworm I can borrow?) I have to fanatically clean my house (I am just that way, its a sickness) and be perfect for when the fucking happy couple show up on Sunday, around noon. I am sorry, I just don't want the bitch in my house until I am happily married, with perfect hair and a gorgeous body (yes I am shallow and vain).

The worst part of this whole thing is that the ex wanted to start talking about getting back together!!! Now I do know she has to work but if she will be spending most of her time her, that is totally out of my comfort zone. He has been hinting at it for a while and it is usually on the back of my mind so I asked him point blank one day if he wanted to get back together (a couple of weeks ago) and he said yes but would rather discuss it in person. I have not even talked to him on the phone since then and now this.

My life is weird. I love it but it is weird.

I got to go now. Time to wash and wax the kitchen floor now that the oven is cleaned. Do you think 39 hours is enough time to paint the house??

Anxiously yours,
Moi

Ok I am Crazy

I was just watching America's Next Top Model and the commercial came on for Supernatural. There was a line that has me thinking.

"If everyone gets their wish it is chaos."

Maybe what I want is not what I need. Maybe if I got it, it would be chaos.

Just a thought. Time for bed.

Moi