Happy Birthday to Me

Today I turn 31 and at the moment I have having many mixed feelings about my birthday. I really don't mind getting older, that much, but I think it is the lack of someone special in my life. I thought that by the time I was in my 30's I would have someone special to share my life with. I do not mean to sound ungrateful cause I have the most beautiful and special child in my life, but I want more. I want it all.

One reasons for my melancholy is that it is raining. In my memory, with the exception of one or two, the weather on my birthday is always beautiful. Another reason is that my baby is gone. My mother just left with my child. I have sent her to spend a week with her grandparents. She is super excited and was not sad at all to leave. I just miss her when she is not her and she is not been well (a story for another time). I am okay with her going cause I remember the time with my grandparents as a child and I would not take that away from my child. I just need to keep myself busy.

Birthdays are a good time to reflect on your life. I look at my life and am happy with most of it. I have a wonderful child, a great family (a distant family but they are there when I need them), a fantastic job (I still am in wonder at where I work) but I am not fulfilled. I moved about a year ago and am finding it hard to connect with people. I have been trying but I think I may need to look at a different group. I think that I need to find more mommy friends. Single friends are great but after not being able to go out any night of the week really separates me from them. I think I did connect with one of the t-ball mommies and we have made plans for a play date so I hope that is a start.

I thought by this time I would be farther along in my goals. I did set some goals before Christmas have a just began work to fulfill one of them. I need to try harder. Things do not just happen because I want them to. You have to work for what you want. I wonderful mommy that I look up to (in case you don't know it, that is you Tyler), writes a wonderful blog that teaches me things about myself almost every time I read it. Anyway, she shared an article about self-discipline that showed me that I need to work on me.

I have decided that this is what my 31st year will be about, making me better. Being the happiest and best person I can be. This is my new goals:

1. Join a church. I feel that I need to strengthen my relationship with God. A simple way to do this is to join a church. I will do some research and do some visits.
2. Make more friends. Hard yes but I am hoping doing more activities and joining a church will help with that.
3. Date more. I have been on a few dates but I am going to date instead of focusing on finding the right one. If a princess has to kiss a few toads, I am okay with that.
4. Lose 30 pounds. Need to. I refuse to accept being fat. I may not need to lose all 30 but I am not happy at my current weight or look so things need to change.

Wish me luck, I am hoping to have one hell of a year. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know. I am willing to try anything once!

One year older, and so much better.

Moi

I May Be Dying

Okay so maybe a tad dramatic but I feel like complete shit. I have had a sinus cold since Tuesday. I have not missed work and have not ducked out of any commitments. I have gone to work in a dayquil/advil cold and sinus drug haze, came home, made supper, even ventured out to Costco once, and have kept my house in surprisingly good shape. I have kept it together for the most part until today.

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning and felt like crying for my mommy. I had the cold sweats and my throat felt like it was about to give birth to 40 pound boulders. (On the upside, there was no sinus pain!) I laid in bed in pain for 5 minutes, willing myself to get up before I could work up the energy to drag my ass out of bed to take some tylenol and drink something cold for my throat.

I got up at, took some more drug, got MJ ready and went to swimming. But before I left the house, I thought it would be a great idea to spray my oven with oven cleaner so that I could clean it when I got back. (I should really cut back on the medication - it leads to bad decisions.) So I even have a perfectly (so at least half assed) clean stove right now. But I also got oven cleaner on my floor so I now need to scrub that off my floor. FUCK. Why I am sick. All I want to do is go to bed.

So the ex called to see if I got my child support payment (yippee!!) which I had. Hearing me, he realizes that I am sick and ASKS is there is anything he can do. I in a near tears state (I cry when I am sick) ask if he can come down to take care of his child so I can take care of me and he says he wishes he could but he has plans for tonight. FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF!!! I hung up the phone and just cried. What makes me the most angry about it is that he has really been talking about wanting to get back together (again - boo) which I have no been receptive too at all. I told him unless he can show me that his daughter and me come first in his live that I would not even consider a reconciliation. I should expect this and would probably take it better if I wasn't feeling like I have been scrapped off the bottom of someone shoe.

Well I feel like shit and my face is still burning. I don't think it is related to my illness either. At work, we go out for spa nights. We had one on Thursday and I decided to treat myself to a facial. It was more than I anticipated ($120) but my skin felt so good after I thought it was worth it. Well that was until I showered the next morning. When the water hit my face it burned. Not mildly stung, it burned. I have had facials before and never experienced this before. I got out of the shower and my face was bright red and super tender. Nice. I did get a eye brow wax with my facial but my brow bone was six times as red that morning as the night before. It was not slightly pink - it was red.

I took some advil sinus and went off to work. By 8 am I had to take some regular advil cause my face hurt so bad. I called the spa and the person who answered the phone could not understand why that would happen cause "they only use organic product." Guess what, uranium is organic too and there is no way I want to rub that on my face. No big deal, she says she will have the manager call me back when she is free in a couple of hours. Do you think she actually called back? No. So when I went to swimming lessons this morning the chlorinated water was wonderful on my skin. It is still slightly tingly. I should have taken pics to document it. Seriously looked like I had a bad chemical peel on parts of my face the day after.

So now I am sick, with a hurting face, emotional, needing to go scrub oven cleaner off my floor... who says I am not a catch!!

It will get better. It must get better. I will not accept defeat. I can do this. If I am not feeling better, I will get a sitter for MJ, go to a walk in for some prescriptions drug and stop by the spa on the way home to bitch slap the manager who never called me back.

On the plus side of this all, MJ is quite the little nurse. I am glad she is here (sort of) to take care of me.

Moi

Excuse Me? You Vagina is Showing

I am not too sure how many people actually read my blog but if you have been following my blog you know I have a potential date on the horizon. I should correct that statement I had a potential date on the horizon. That was until I pointed out that Mr Big Man was being a big baby! Okay so I know I am a bitch but I was being truthful.


Let me start from the beginning...


My prospective date (now to be know as Mr Man) travels a lot for his job. Eight months out of the year, he is gone for every second week, sometimes more. To be honest when I heard this I actually got excited, I love my me time and if I had a boyfriend who was gone half the time, I would get that. (Most guys say they aren't clingy but are!) Anywho, I told him the truth that his travelling wouldn't bother me as I am not that kind of girl and he said that is good as most girls get jealous.

Truthfully, it doesn't bother me. I am not the sit by the phone kinds gal. Honestly, I only miss having a boyfriend when I need boy things done (yes I know I am horrible). I do want a man in my life but don't need someone to make me whole but rather I would like someone to compliment what I already have. I know that this my lack of adoration is not what most men are looking for but I already have a number one in my life.

So Mr Man texted me today to see if I missed him. Having just suffered through a terrible two melt down, I answered back that it was hard to miss anyone when chasing after a two year old. His big boy answer, was 'ouch'. I responded 'really?' That was two hours ago and I haven't heard from him since.

Okay, I know I was a little harsh but come on!! I barely know the guy am I suppose to text my undying love to him after I haven't talked to him for an hour? (No I do not have a penis so please don't ask.) Ever since becoming a mom, and especially since being left by the ex, I have become a little hard around the edges when it comes to relying on others. I don't. I know I am the shit show and am fine with that. I am very self sufficient, which is what Mr. Man said he liked about me.

Now how do I balance. I know men want to be adored, put on a pedestal and respected above all else. I adore and put MJ on a pedestal, there is no room for a man up there with her. Yes, your relationship is suppose to come before anything else but what happens when you have to establish that relationship after your child is already here. (Yes, this is partially my fault for not following the natural order of things but there is nothing I can do know.)

I really don't want to be that girl who sits by the phone missing her boyfriend. I have been that girl and was not really happy doing it. How do I be a strong independent women who is desirable to men? I would like to have someone in my life but how do I not put my daughter first?

Now another question, I like this guy, what should do? I am not a very humble person to tuck my tail between my legs. I don't know if I should. I do believe that if something is meant to be it will be but also that if you want something you have to work for it. Fuck. Why can't life be easy.

Humbly yours,
Moi

PMS'ing Over!!

Ok, so Monday was a great/bad day. I was all emotional and bitchy starting on Friday and couldn't figure out why. Then bingo - i got my period on Monday!! See when you don't have sex (pitiful) you don't worry about when your period comes and goes. Realistically, if I don't get my period, hold onto your horses sweethearts the second coming is hear and God will take care of me!! lol

Life always looks better when PMS is over. Not since high school have I PMS'ed this bad. Everything pissed me off. So it didn't help when the ex showed up at 1 pm - yes, that means he didn't show up 'sometime in the morning' as promised. I realize now that it wasn't so bad. I still got all my shopping done and he helped with housework!!!! I came home to have folded laundry and a cleaned out dishwasher. I know this may not seem like much to you but on Sunday (PMS max day) I was so happy I cried. I don't mean like eyes brimming with tears, I mean full on sobbing, snot running down my face bawling. I was pitiful.

Not that Monday was a fabulous day by any means. Not only did aunt flow come to visit but I was sick - horrible retching sick. Second time with the flu this year (well this flu year anyway). So I dropped MJ off at daycare (hey I am not stupid, I will put up with the pain of leaving the house in -35 weather so that someone else can care for my child when I am sick) and went home to bed. I got a hot water bottle for my tummy and a cold cloth for my head, some Advil for the cramps and went to bed. Well laid on the couch and watched Zohan (funny shit). Not a productive day but a I was glad to get everything over with at once.

It is now Tuesday and all is right with the world. Well not perfect but a lot better. It is amazing that the loss of some blood and vomit will do the body good.

Moi