Thursday, August 25, 2011

Life Changes

My life is my life.  No matter what other people do to make my life change I have to own the fact that this is my life and I need to take control of my life. This week I have had to make some really hard decisions, decisions I did not want to make but ignoring them was not a possibility. With making the decisions I have not really considered other people's feeling but have concentrated on what is best for me first and then how the decisions would impact my daughter.

Most all of my decisions I am comfortable with. The some small ones I have regretted. (Okay the ones I regretted were almost all food choices - bad emotional eater.) The good decisions were hard and some even made me cry. The hardest one this week was the decision to give away my dog. It made me cry. But my dog is a dog and she will be fine. She is a huge source of stress in my life and right now I just do not need any extra stress.

The worst part of my life right now is I have no choice but to make choices. I have no one who can make the choices for me. I just want someone to give me solutions to my problems - easy fixes. Unfortunately I do not think there are easy fixes to my life's problems right now. Absolutely no quick ones. I think I need time to heal and time to grow. 

I need to start looking at me in a different way. I need to start taking better care of myself. I think that needs to start soon.  I am taking a mini vacation in lie of a honeymoon. I am going to take that time for me, to start taking care of myself and my daughter.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Here I Am...

Here I am again.  I am at the point in my life where I realize sometimes love just isn't enough - no matter what the cheesy love songs say.

No matter what I said or did I could not stop the inevitable and my family is now separated.  Not broken but just taking on a different but familiar form. Once again my family consists of me and my daughter. Danny has decided that he no longer would like to be a member of our family. He said he will make an effort to still see our daughter and we will see what the future brings.

I am holding up amazingly well at this point but I am sure I have a few sad days ahead. I am prepared for that. I also know that after those days and in between those days I am going to be in for a some happy days. This is fact. I will survive and will come out better.

This breakup maybe a horrible and aweful thing but I am going to make the best of a bad situation. I will learn from this and come out stronger.  I am survivor!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Hit with a Brick

I feel numb and empty and do not know what to do. Last night my fiancĂ©e told me is unsure if he wants to marry me and thinks he may be happier if we were apart. I felt like I was slapped upside the head with a brick. He says he doesn’t know what he really wants.

There is 26 days until the wedding. Or at least 26 days until we were suppose to be married.

Right now I should really be working but I just feel like crawling in a hole. I don’t know who to talk to because I am hoping that this is just a phase (a very short one) and will pass. I don’t want anyone thinking of him badly. I know there are not a lot of my family or friends who read this so I am writing to stranger in hopes they can offer some kind of help.

We had a couple of minor arguments the past couple of weeks but nothing bad. On Friday, while I was at my parents, he went to visit friends. Because of his past tendencies of taking off for the weekend I was a little upset that he didn’t tell me he was going but I didn’t have a problem with it as we were not home anyway. Well we were supposed to meet the next day and he was going to take the kid and the dog with him but he wouldn’t answer his phone. He didn’t come home until yesterday.

I was pissed. I told him so.

He said he didn’t even want to come home.

I told him if he doesn’t want to be with me to pack up and leave.

It was bad.
We had a long discussion later and he told me is mad all the time and not happy. I called bullshit because I know his daughter and me make him happy. He said he doesn’t know what to think. I gave him until Friday to decide what to do. If he decides he does not want to be with me, I gave him until the end of the month to get out of the house.

He was awake most of the night and didn’t go to work today. I told him to think of going to the doctor to maybe get a prescription for depression. Last year I was on anti-depressants for a while and it helped me. Depression and mental illness run in his family and I told him to at least go get the prescription and then decide later if he wants to take it. He said he would think about it which means he probably won’t do it.
I don’t know what to do and hate the feeling of having my fate in someone else’s hands. I don’t want any of this to happen. I am suppose to be celebrating our love by planning our wedding not thinking about splitting assets and getting an attorney.

I feel so lost and alone.