I May Be Dying

Okay so maybe a tad dramatic but I feel like complete shit. I have had a sinus cold since Tuesday. I have not missed work and have not ducked out of any commitments. I have gone to work in a dayquil/advil cold and sinus drug haze, came home, made supper, even ventured out to Costco once, and have kept my house in surprisingly good shape. I have kept it together for the most part until today.

I woke up at 4:00 am this morning and felt like crying for my mommy. I had the cold sweats and my throat felt like it was about to give birth to 40 pound boulders. (On the upside, there was no sinus pain!) I laid in bed in pain for 5 minutes, willing myself to get up before I could work up the energy to drag my ass out of bed to take some tylenol and drink something cold for my throat.

I got up at, took some more drug, got MJ ready and went to swimming. But before I left the house, I thought it would be a great idea to spray my oven with oven cleaner so that I could clean it when I got back. (I should really cut back on the medication - it leads to bad decisions.) So I even have a perfectly (so at least half assed) clean stove right now. But I also got oven cleaner on my floor so I now need to scrub that off my floor. FUCK. Why I am sick. All I want to do is go to bed.

So the ex called to see if I got my child support payment (yippee!!) which I had. Hearing me, he realizes that I am sick and ASKS is there is anything he can do. I in a near tears state (I cry when I am sick) ask if he can come down to take care of his child so I can take care of me and he says he wishes he could but he has plans for tonight. FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF!!! I hung up the phone and just cried. What makes me the most angry about it is that he has really been talking about wanting to get back together (again - boo) which I have no been receptive too at all. I told him unless he can show me that his daughter and me come first in his live that I would not even consider a reconciliation. I should expect this and would probably take it better if I wasn't feeling like I have been scrapped off the bottom of someone shoe.

Well I feel like shit and my face is still burning. I don't think it is related to my illness either. At work, we go out for spa nights. We had one on Thursday and I decided to treat myself to a facial. It was more than I anticipated ($120) but my skin felt so good after I thought it was worth it. Well that was until I showered the next morning. When the water hit my face it burned. Not mildly stung, it burned. I have had facials before and never experienced this before. I got out of the shower and my face was bright red and super tender. Nice. I did get a eye brow wax with my facial but my brow bone was six times as red that morning as the night before. It was not slightly pink - it was red.

I took some advil sinus and went off to work. By 8 am I had to take some regular advil cause my face hurt so bad. I called the spa and the person who answered the phone could not understand why that would happen cause "they only use organic product." Guess what, uranium is organic too and there is no way I want to rub that on my face. No big deal, she says she will have the manager call me back when she is free in a couple of hours. Do you think she actually called back? No. So when I went to swimming lessons this morning the chlorinated water was wonderful on my skin. It is still slightly tingly. I should have taken pics to document it. Seriously looked like I had a bad chemical peel on parts of my face the day after.

So now I am sick, with a hurting face, emotional, needing to go scrub oven cleaner off my floor... who says I am not a catch!!

It will get better. It must get better. I will not accept defeat. I can do this. If I am not feeling better, I will get a sitter for MJ, go to a walk in for some prescriptions drug and stop by the spa on the way home to bitch slap the manager who never called me back.

On the plus side of this all, MJ is quite the little nurse. I am glad she is here (sort of) to take care of me.

Moi

My Baby is Back

My baby is home!!! Grandma brought MJ home on Friday and I never thought I could make it through the week. Many times I wanted to go get her but what stopped me was the countless thank yous I got from my dad every time I called to check in on her (which was a mildly obsessive amount). He would answer the phone with multiple thank yous. It was very touching. Of course I know my parents love her but I never realized just how much they missed her. So I think that she will spend a week away from me again for the simple fact that everyone enjoyed themselves so much (with the exclusion of me).

I have talked to another single mommy friend of mine who has shared custody with her ex and who takes her daughter a week at a time frequently. She is very wise and gave me the advise to enjoy the time away by doing things you normally can't do, like trips to Walmart at 8 pm, hanging out with friends or, do I dare say, even go on a date or two.

I wish I could have enjoyed my time away from MJ a bit more but I was knocked flat on my ass with the flu. I slept 18 hours in a 24 hour period. I am still not feeling perfect (still really tired) but at least I know I am on the mend. It was a blessing MJ wasn't here for me to infect.

There has been a progress update between myself and my ex. The few conscious hours when I was sick from work to write him a goodbye letter. Now I know that may sound stupid but I needed him to know how I felt for me to start the healing process of getting over him once again. Even though I love him, I know we are not good together. I would rather have him be a great father to MJ than a shitty husband to me (cause we all know a shitty husband usually means a shitty father and a very unhappy household). What was frustrating was that I poured my heart out and he barely responded... three whole sentences, none of which actually acknowledged my feeling but rather bitched about how I didn't call him so he could talk to HIS daughter. That is a great thing, shows my that we are not meant to be - helps me move on.

I went to a fantastic wedding on Saturday that renewed my faith in love. I will find it. I deserve it. My life will work out. I know it.

Moi