Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Surprisingly Good Weekend

That is how my weekend so far can be summed up as relaxing and great. Now why is this surprising you may ask. Well first, I haven't had a relaxing weekend where I haven't had some kind of commitment in what seems like forever and the second reason it is surprising is cause the ex was here for most of the time.

I asked the ex in desperation to come and take care of our sick daughter and he agreed as he did not have to work. He came up Wednesday night and left yesterday night and we did not fight once. Not one disagreement, not one snide comment, if I didn't know better I would go as far to say that we acted like adults (I am writing this in a state of shock). He even let me sleep in on Saturday morning!!!!

The best thing about having a great weekend is how I feel about it at the end of it all... just happy. I have no longing, no wondering, no desire. I am happy that I could spend the weekend as friends with my ex and our daughter and not think of how wonderful it would be if we were a family all the time. There is no way that this would be a regular occurrence if the ex and I were together all the time but I am certain that this could happen again if we continue to be friends. We did talk about stopping the dinkish behaviour towards one another and for now we are in agreement that being friendly is preferred over being assholes.

The cherry on top is that MJ is finally feeling better. No more temperature or vomiting. Hoping for a stress free week as next weekend I am driving back to my parents house to hold a birthday party for Miss MJ. Travelling is rarely stress free with a two year old.


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My Life is Wonderful

So MJ has been sick (yes again). She had a fever of 102.5 last night. I drugged her into a sleeping coma (not really, it was her bedtime any way) and this morning her temp was down to 98.5. Cool, throw some more Tylenol in her and off to work. I was contemplating staying home with her but alas, everyone is out sick, well one girl is having surgery and the other was super sick yesterday.

About noon, daycare called and MJ's temp was up to 103.3!!! Needless to say I was a little freaked. So I went to another mom in my office (lets call her Cattie) who job is not to answer the phones but who used to do my job so she know what to do. She has made a stink in the past about being pulled to answer the phones but her kid was in the hospital sick not too long ago so I thought I would get some sympathy. No such luck. She told me to find someone else cause she was busy!!!!

So I called a friend in another office to see if she could come down and help out. She said she would have to okay it with her boss but is shouldn't be a problem. At this point I BURST into tears. I was worried and frustrated. I pulled it together, apologized, and told her to let me know as soon as she could.

I emailed my boss to let her know what was going on and to ask the okay to pull in someone else. I started to put my stuff away (I was leaving no matter what, just didn't know when.) The Cattie came up and apologized for brushing me off and told me to go. (I checked my email and had to giggle a bit. My boss had no problem with my leaving, of course, but that she was directing Cattie to drop what she was doing immediately and come answer the phones so I could leave.)

So off I went to wait in the walk in clinic for 2.5 hours. Why I didn't call my doctor to see I could get into see her before I left the office is beyond my comprehension. Anywhooo.... My child has slapping disease!!! Well that is what they think it is anyway. Not a big deal unless I was pregnant. So I think she will be staying home for at least tomorrow. Not sure yet how I am going to pull that off, I am going to call the sick girl to see how she is feeling and if not, I can as the ex to come and help out. If not, I could always go in for a bit to work with a sick kid.

Why is being a single mom so much wonder and joy!!! It is not so bad, I have re-drugged her up and she is wonderfully happy watching Mickey Mouse for the fourth time since we got home which is why I have some spare time to blog. Best part is fifths disease (another name for slapping disease) is a viral infection which means MJ has no appetite so no having to cook supper for this momma tonight!!! (See, there is always a silver lining if you look close enough.)


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Goals Were Meant to be Broken??

OK, so I need a serious kick in the ass!!! I cannot make myself exercise. All I want to eat is fattening food. I am sick of my fat self. I promised myself to run three days a week and I am shameful to report that I have not ran one step since I made that promise. What I am thinking. I know I need to loose weight and I know I need to get my ass moving to do it but I just seem to want to sleep instead of get up to run. Heaven forbid if I actually exercise at night.

In a little bit of a saving grace, even though I want to eat nothing but fattening I have showed some control. I am trying to stay within my points and I have been successful to a point (some days). Did you know that six jujubes are only 2 points. Six jujubes can be six sweet little snacks the whole day long!!!

I am going to try harder. I need to loose weight for myself. There is no way I am reaching my 15 pound weight loss by Christmas. So now my new goal is to lose 15 pounds by New Years. What the hell, goals were meant to be broken right??


Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Baby is Back

My baby is home!!! Grandma brought MJ home on Friday and I never thought I could make it through the week. Many times I wanted to go get her but what stopped me was the countless thank yous I got from my dad every time I called to check in on her (which was a mildly obsessive amount). He would answer the phone with multiple thank yous. It was very touching. Of course I know my parents love her but I never realized just how much they missed her. So I think that she will spend a week away from me again for the simple fact that everyone enjoyed themselves so much (with the exclusion of me).

I have talked to another single mommy friend of mine who has shared custody with her ex and who takes her daughter a week at a time frequently. She is very wise and gave me the advise to enjoy the time away by doing things you normally can't do, like trips to Walmart at 8 pm, hanging out with friends or, do I dare say, even go on a date or two.

I wish I could have enjoyed my time away from MJ a bit more but I was knocked flat on my ass with the flu. I slept 18 hours in a 24 hour period. I am still not feeling perfect (still really tired) but at least I know I am on the mend. It was a blessing MJ wasn't here for me to infect.

There has been a progress update between myself and my ex. The few conscious hours when I was sick from work to write him a goodbye letter. Now I know that may sound stupid but I needed him to know how I felt for me to start the healing process of getting over him once again. Even though I love him, I know we are not good together. I would rather have him be a great father to MJ than a shitty husband to me (cause we all know a shitty husband usually means a shitty father and a very unhappy household). What was frustrating was that I poured my heart out and he barely responded... three whole sentences, none of which actually acknowledged my feeling but rather bitched about how I didn't call him so he could talk to HIS daughter. That is a great thing, shows my that we are not meant to be - helps me move on.

I went to a fantastic wedding on Saturday that renewed my faith in love. I will find it. I deserve it. My life will work out. I know it.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Am So Lonely

I made a choice this weekend that I am nervously regretting at this very moment. To save MJ some serious miles in her car seat in the next two weekends, I opted for my parents to keep her for a week. It will be seven days till I see my beautiful little girl again. That is almost double the amount of time I have ever spent away from her. They only thing stopping me from making the eight hour drive to pick her up and bring her home is the happiness of my parents. They are ecstatic to have her.

It has been a day and a half since I have seen her and miss her so much. I have called four three times and she/grandma has called me once.

I have no idea what I am going to do without her, but I guess I will figure it out.


Friday, November 14, 2008

My wonderful friend Barb at SPOTLIS tagged me in a meme Monday (okay so I am a little slow), I figured I should answer, so here I go...

A) Four places I go over and over: daycare, work, playground, grocery store

B) Four people who e-mail me regularly: Facebook, people at work (all depends on the day), sister, hungry girl newsletter (awesome btw)

C) Four of my favourite places to eat: Red Lobster, the Keg (or any really good steakhouse), taco del mar, my mommy's house (she will cook ANYTHING I want to eat)

D) Four places you’d rather be: on a warm beach, accepting my lottery winnings (sry Agent, I stole yours), at Disney Land/World introducing MJ to Mickey Mouse (she would love it), other than that, I am really happy with my life, I am where I want to be most days

E) Four TV shows I could watch over and over: Grey's Anatomy, America’s Next Top Model, the Hills, Desperate Housewives

F) Four people I think will respond: I am not big into making someone do something (despite what my ex-boyfriends say about me), if you want to continue on, please do.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Somethings I am Trying

So I am back from my sister's and I had a wonderful time. Well kind of. I had a fabulous time with my sister and even got some Christmas shopping done (well I bought myself a bunch of presents, does that count). The big downside, my child was sick. I don't mean running nose sick I mean wake up with a terrible fever, woke up violently shaking, puke on the airplane, sick. (Oh, I just need to mention I have no idea how high a temperature as my sister doesn't have a thermometer, guess what she is getting for Christmas.) She is better now, sort of. She is on the mend at least, what more can a mommy ask for.

So I tried something interesting. I got IPL laser hair removal done. OMG, it was fabulous. Same price as waxing (about for the body parts I got done) and I am now on my way to being hairless in two areas of my body. The best part is that it is less painful than waxing. Fantastic!!

I have not ran in over a week. That is okay because I have been tired due to the sick kid (see above). Sunday starts a new weight watcher week, and I am going to be faithful cause there is something else I am going to try - setting goals and sticking to them. I am writing them down so I am accountable for them:

  1. I will lose 15 pounds by Christmas. This is not unrealistic. There is 7 weeks to go.
  2. I will not gain my weight back over the Christmas break.
  3. I will run Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of every week. I will start with 30 minutes and work my way up.
  4. I will work out two other days a week. I have a bunch of workout DVDs and I will begin to use them.
  5. I will try to go to bed by 10 pm. This means no more computer past 9:30 pm. Once I get on the computer, I can't get off. I am glued to it like crack.

Now a little update of Mr. Ex. When he really wants to push my buttons, he ignores me and won't talk to me. Guess what else I am trying? I am using his medicine on him. I may not have figured out what to do about my feelings for him but I need him to see that you just can't ignore his daughter. When MJ was sick, a fact that was rarely acknowledged. I know its childish, but I really don't care.

That is it for now. Time to start getting ready for bed.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ok I am Crazy

I was just watching America's Next Top Model and the commercial came on for Supernatural. There was a line that has me thinking.

"If everyone gets their wish it is chaos."

Maybe what I want is not what I need. Maybe if I got it, it would be chaos.

Just a thought. Time for bed.


Some Clarity

So I now have some clarity in my life. I talked to a wonderful, wise, beautiful friend last night and she made me see somethings that I know have been true but she forces me to say them. When you say stuff out loud and admit it to someone else it somehow becomes more true.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still love my ex. This complicates everything. I mean not just love him cause he is the father of my daughter, but love him like want to be with him. When we work, we are fabulous, when we don't, it is horrible. If we could cut out the bullshit, it would be wonderful. I just don't think that will ever happen. I need to work through this. If anyone out there knows how, please, please, please help me. I will try anything.

I am a very controlling person, especially when it comes to MJ. I am not trusting. I think it is because of this coupled with the lack of responsibility on her father's part that I have issues with him taking her to his girlfriends for the weekend. I am punishing for not being there in the past. This is not very fair of me, but you know what, life isn't fair. It isn't fair that I am a single mom when I never wanted to be. It isn't fair that MJ used to cry for her daddy when he wouldn't even pick up the phone to talk to her.

I am going to run tomorrow. I have issues. But life is getting better. Hopefully I will see everything clearly soon.


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Running is a weird and wonderful thing. It is the one place where I can go to get clarity – okay not really a place but just go with me on this one please. Just my thoughts, my limits and me. Even though I have music blasting, I can think and come to some conclusions in my head, work out some inner turmoil that I am feeling.

Now you may ask why I wouldn’t run everyday. Easy answer – I am lazy. That and I run first thing in the morning, which equates to getting my ass out of bed at 5 am. However, when I do run, it makes my whole day better (usually). I feel better, have more energy and can look at the world from a more positive place. (read less bitchy).

I ran this morning. I ran for 35 minutes. I wish I could have ran for longer. I have many things to work out. I will be running more tomorrow. One good thing is that if I stay conflicted, I keep running.

I have decided MJ is my child. I know what is best for her and I am not going to let others try to push me around when it comes to her – not her father, her auntie, her grandma, no one.
As much as I would love some me time, she stays with me. My sister is a darling but I don’t think I can do a two weeks away from my child. If boys don’t understand that I am a single mom and there is huge responsibilities that come along with that they can just go away. They need to understand that the number one person in my life is MJ, she comes before everything, even me.

I don’t want her spending the weekend with her dad, his girlfriend and Oscar the pug (she is staying with her grandma thank you very much). Even though he will not say if they are living together, (I believe it to be so but he says no) its not going to be a family weekend. I have not met her or her little dog (I am having Wizard of Oz Wicked Witch of the West complex right now) and until I do sleepovers are unacceptable. If I was not firm on this before, his insistence to meet my date before MJ does solidifies it.

Ok, it was only 35 minutes. Hope to update on more inner conflict resolution tomorrow.


Sunday, November 2, 2008

It Certainly was a Spooktacular Weekend

So the ex came down to take MJ trick or treating. He came on down on Friday and was suppose to stay the whole weekend. I was thrilled, to get a weekend of duel parenting would like having a weekend off. I made a bunch of plans for Saturday night and Sunday.

Friday went fine. The ex even brought MJ to my work to show her off and my bosses even commented on how nice he was being. (Not a big surprise there, he is nice just not nice to date.) We had supper, but Izzy to bed, watched some TV and went to be without incident. I even told him I was dating, no one in particular but a few guys in general and he was fine with all of it.

On Saturday we were out shopping when my phone rang, it was my date for the night confirming plans. When I hung up the ex was pissed, how dare I talk on the phone when I was suppose to be giving him directions (everything started going down hill from there). When we got back home, he informed me that he was going home that evening. FUCK. I had a date for Saturday night, I was going running with the girls on Sunday and another date Sunday afternoon. I made all these plans cause he was suppose to be there and now that he knew I was going on a date he was off faster than a prom dress. I tried my sitter but alas, she was already booked.

I asked him to stay but he said he girlfriend is really jealous of me and doesn't want him spending too much time here (I read not spending time with his daughter) and furthermore, he was not sticking around to babysit while I was out on a date. Pardon, while you were boning your current girlfriend, who the heck did you think was 'babysitting' MJ - ghosts???

I called my sister to bitch and she has come up with a wonderful solution (maybe). To get some me time, I let MJ spend a few weeks with her. I am going to see her next weekend and will come home on Tue say. I would pick her up on the 23rd - so that is 11 days being MJ free. I am really liking this idea but I don't know. I have only ever been away from her for three days so I am not sure how to do this. Help me out, how to you give control of your daughter. I am conflicted to say the least. I would love not to be a mom for a while but she would be 7 hours away (one way) so its not like I could just pop over to see how she is doing.

My November is crazy and not having a child would be so much easier. Oh well, we have lots of details to work out before it could happen, but I think if all works out I may go with it. How many times do you get this kind of offer.