Life Changes

My life is my life.  No matter what other people do to make my life change I have to own the fact that this is my life and I need to take control of my life. This week I have had to make some really hard decisions, decisions I did not want to make but ignoring them was not a possibility. With making the decisions I have not really considered other people's feeling but have concentrated on what is best for me first and then how the decisions would impact my daughter.

Most all of my decisions I am comfortable with. The some small ones I have regretted. (Okay the ones I regretted were almost all food choices - bad emotional eater.) The good decisions were hard and some even made me cry. The hardest one this week was the decision to give away my dog. It made me cry. But my dog is a dog and she will be fine. She is a huge source of stress in my life and right now I just do not need any extra stress.

The worst part of my life right now is I have no choice but to make choices. I have no one who can make the choices for me. I just want someone to give me solutions to my problems - easy fixes. Unfortunately I do not think there are easy fixes to my life's problems right now. Absolutely no quick ones. I think I need time to heal and time to grow. 

I need to start looking at me in a different way. I need to start taking better care of myself. I think that needs to start soon.  I am taking a mini vacation in lie of a honeymoon. I am going to take that time for me, to start taking care of myself and my daughter.

Here I Am...

Here I am again.  I am at the point in my life where I realize sometimes love just isn't enough - no matter what the cheesy love songs say.

No matter what I said or did I could not stop the inevitable and my family is now separated.  Not broken but just taking on a different but familiar form. Once again my family consists of me and my daughter. Danny has decided that he no longer would like to be a member of our family. He said he will make an effort to still see our daughter and we will see what the future brings.

I am holding up amazingly well at this point but I am sure I have a few sad days ahead. I am prepared for that. I also know that after those days and in between those days I am going to be in for a some happy days. This is fact. I will survive and will come out better.

This breakup maybe a horrible and aweful thing but I am going to make the best of a bad situation. I will learn from this and come out stronger.  I am survivor!!!

Hit with a Brick

I feel numb and empty and do not know what to do. Last night my fiancée told me is unsure if he wants to marry me and thinks he may be happier if we were apart. I felt like I was slapped upside the head with a brick. He says he doesn’t know what he really wants.

There is 26 days until the wedding. Or at least 26 days until we were suppose to be married.

Right now I should really be working but I just feel like crawling in a hole. I don’t know who to talk to because I am hoping that this is just a phase (a very short one) and will pass. I don’t want anyone thinking of him badly. I know there are not a lot of my family or friends who read this so I am writing to stranger in hopes they can offer some kind of help.

We had a couple of minor arguments the past couple of weeks but nothing bad. On Friday, while I was at my parents, he went to visit friends. Because of his past tendencies of taking off for the weekend I was a little upset that he didn’t tell me he was going but I didn’t have a problem with it as we were not home anyway. Well we were supposed to meet the next day and he was going to take the kid and the dog with him but he wouldn’t answer his phone. He didn’t come home until yesterday.

I was pissed. I told him so.

He said he didn’t even want to come home.

I told him if he doesn’t want to be with me to pack up and leave.

It was bad.
We had a long discussion later and he told me is mad all the time and not happy. I called bullshit because I know his daughter and me make him happy. He said he doesn’t know what to think. I gave him until Friday to decide what to do. If he decides he does not want to be with me, I gave him until the end of the month to get out of the house.

He was awake most of the night and didn’t go to work today. I told him to think of going to the doctor to maybe get a prescription for depression. Last year I was on anti-depressants for a while and it helped me. Depression and mental illness run in his family and I told him to at least go get the prescription and then decide later if he wants to take it. He said he would think about it which means he probably won’t do it.
I don’t know what to do and hate the feeling of having my fate in someone else’s hands. I don’t want any of this to happen. I am suppose to be celebrating our love by planning our wedding not thinking about splitting assets and getting an attorney.

I feel so lost and alone.

Oy Vey

July has not been a stellar month for me.  I gained weight.  Not good at all. It is 37 day until the wedding and I cannot get motivated to get in better shape. I need to start but now it seems hopeless.

I am on vacation from work starting today. I am off for 10 days.  I am going to try not to indulge in everything you can when on vacation.  Wish me luck. I have packed my workout stuff to.  I hope to do some running on vacation, even just a bit to start the marathon training that is creeping up in December.

Didn't Feed the Bad Feelings

I had a baaad day yesterday. We have had some big unexpected costs lately in addition to the upcoming wedding. We have been handling everything in stride (minus a couple of small temper tantrums on my part). The major expense has been the truck. My finance was driving the truck when the tire blew. Well there was a lot of damage done when that piece of rubber gave way. Like $3,500 dollars worth of damage. Thankfully insurance covered the cost but there is still the deductable to pay. When the truck was in for servicing we found out the front struts were leaking and we decided to fix those which were a $1,800 touch. Well yesterday they told me the rear levelling compressor is kaput which is another $1,250. (Insert large tantrum here.) After I got the news I had an incredible urge to eat… and eat really bad. Worse, I met a friend at the mall to vent and there was all the horrible mall food calling my name.
Guess what? I resisted the urge. I thought it through and knew I would feel even worse if I ate crappy food to fill the crater of despair that was in me. (Okay, maybe being a bit dramatic but I think we have all had that feel where at the time it is awful and 5 minutes later things are not that bad.) I breathed my was through it and just went on with my day. I didn’t even reward myself for maintaining some level of self control. I just moved on. That was a huge step for me. Hopefully just one of many lessons I will learn on my journey to non-fatness.
I have recommitted to be the best me I can be. It’s been hot as hell here so my workouts have been non-existent but tomorrow is going to start off with a run. I am going to make good decisions and do what I can when I can for exercise. We had central air finally hooked up this week so that will make it easier to work up a sweat too. I may be a chubby bride in 44 days when I say my “I do’s” but I will be well on my way to being a slim and fit wife.

Okay that's Enough of That

So it has been a pretty hard week for me.  My finance had to go tend to his dad who is sick and I was single parenting again.  It wasn't so bad but I miss the adult company more than the parenting help. On top of that one of our vehicles is still in the shop getting repaired and I got the wonderful news the front struts are leaking which essentially means an extra $2,000 to fix.  Oh and then our TV quit working.  The power supply in my specific TV has been know to come loose.  It is about a $500 fix or just slightly more to buy a new one. 

I was having a bit of a pity party for myself until I came to the realization it could be worse. No one is dying, no one is in pain, we are doing just fine. The events of a few days are not meant to punish me for something I did, it is just a course of events I have no control over. It is just life - with its ups and downs.

What I can control is me. I am tired of blaming everything on my inability to take off the pounds. It is my fault, no one else.  Yes, sometimes circumstances are presented but it is how I react to those circumstances that determines what the scale says.  With my new mindset I put in a Jillian workout dvd last night after kiddlet was put to bed. Now I only got through half of it before I gave up (between the countless 'moooooommmmmy!!!!' calling and the animals who wouldn't leave me alone) but what matters is that tonight I will try again and hopefully get thought the whole thing.  Tomorrow we will go on a bike ride with the dog before going to the pool.   I need to start getting more exercise in my life.  Not to mention I have signed up for a half marathon and have no trained - not even a little bit.

I may only have 50 days to my wedding (yikes) but I can still lose some inches and tone my arms till then.  I have time and it can be done.  No I won't be my goal weight by then, but I will be on my way!!!!

Need to get back on track

I need to get back on track so bad.  I can't get out of this funk.  OMG  sooo hard.

Feeling Defeated

I need to get on track.  I need to not defeat myself.  I need to get it together.

A huge fault of mine is that I let time slip away.  I will to it tomorrow, next week, who cares when as long as its not now.  This is a bad quality in me.

I leave tomorrow for a short vacation which will involve a bathing suit.  Not looking forward to baring all on the beach. Not much I can do about this weekend but I will be taking a week in August to spend at the beach and I can do something about looking better then. 

Ever Feel Like A Failure

Did you ever just have a poor pity me day? Today was that day for me. (Funny cause Tuesday was my birthday and it was a fabulous day.) There is way too much going on in my life and I feel I am not succeeding at any thing.

I am a person who like to win, who needs those successes in my life.  When I don't succeed, I truly take it personally.  I am not superwomen but yet hold myself to those superwomen ideals. I have come to the realization that I need to let some things go. By letting this go I will be able to focus on what is really important to me in the short term.

First I am going to start running.  I really miss it - the freedom, the ability to sleep and the me time. I am not going to start next Monday or when the weather get better.  I am starting tomorrow.

Also tomorrow, I am dropping my master class. It came way to quick and I am no where ready for it. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.  Thinking about postponing the class makes me happy.  I am all about making me happy.

Our beautiful dog will be finding a new home.  I am in the process of finding her one. I am not in a rush to give her away but I am looking.  I went to one house tonight but I am unsure about the location (it is in a bad neighbourhood).  There is hope of finding her a home on an acreage with another dog.  Cross your fingers for me, I am hoping that will be her new forever home.

I need to concentrate on wedding planning. I feel like I have just let it go and it is coming quick. 

Tomorrow I am going to step on the scale for the first time in a week.  It is a scary prospect.  I have been trying to eat well but don't think I have always been successful at it.  Back on track tomorrow and food tracking. I am also going to looking into the options for my health care flex spending account to see what I can access. 

Happy Father's Day to All

Happy father's day to all the wonderful father's and mommydaddy's out there. 

I am a bit behind on the blogging front.  It has been a crazy busy week but I am trying to stay on track.  There have been a couple of bad eating days but have been staying on track.  I just need to add some exercise to the mix and I will be rocking. 

Hope everyone is having a fabulous day and has not be drown out by the rain or eaten by mosquitoes. 

A Week In and Not Doing the Best

A week into the competition and I have had little progress. It is very frustrating. I haven’t been the most stringent to eating well as I am under tremendous stress in my life. I am a stress eater and have been keeping that under control but when I am stressed I hold onto weight, especially water weight. I need just to learn to let go.


The wedding planning is going wonderfully, we are a bit over budget but I almost expected that. I am going to be a bit more cost conscious and start tracking the wedding spending so I feel more in control. There is a part of the planning that is really starting to bug me – my family, and especially my mom’s, total lack of enthusiasm. They seem to want to fight me on the choices I make and then when I ask their opinion there response is ‘well it’s your wedding, do whatever you want’. Urrrggg!!!! What is really upsetting me is when I asked my mom if she wanted to come wedding dress shopping her response was less than stellar, “Well maybe, depends if I am busy that day.” I just went by myself. I got a beautiful dress that I am in love with but I really wanted to have a different experience.

On top of the wedding, I have decided to become a Stella & Dot Stylist. Probably not the best time in my life to begin a small business but I figures what the hell. I talked to a bunch of my friends before hand who were all super pumped to have a trunk show and now that I have made the financial commitment no one (and I mean no one) wants anything to do with it. It really is wonderful jewelry (it has been featured in In Style and is going to be in Vogue in the fall). (Side note, if anyone really wants to have a trunk show, please let me know.)

Oh, did I mention that I am signed up to take another Masters class in July. Eff. Why do I do this to myself? I have a big assignment due before the class starts and I haven’t bought the books yet. I need to either go buy the books or drop the class. I really need to take a class this summer to be able to graduate on my schedule but something has to give soon I think or I am going to go nuts!!!

For all my weight loss competition buddies, I am sorry for the lack of comments on my behalf. I am normally not a deadbeat but I have been crazy busy and for some reason can’t comment on any blog that isn’t a BlogSpot blog. (If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.)

New Competition

As I previously stated I am starting a new weight loss competition today to help in the motivation to lose weight for the wedding.  I am excited.  I started to watch what I eat last week and I am already down two pounds!!!  When I took the pictures last night I couldn't believe how lumpy I looked.  Pictures really don't lie.  Time to start toning up.

I am also exciting to start training for my half marathon in December.  The thought of running 13.1 miles no longer scares the shit out of me cause I know I have done it once already and didn't die.  I want to crush my time of just under 3 hours which I think is obtainable since I won't be fighting the hills of San Francisco 80% of the time. 

I am kind of bummed.  A friend of mine started Ideal Protein this week. My sister is also on IP.  After much household discussion, we decided that $85 a week for their packaged food was too much for our budget (with the upcoming wedding and a masters degree to pay for) so it was decided I just had to do on my own (well at least without the help of a weight loss clinic).  What I like about this plan is essentially you eat their food.  It is Atkins with prepackaged food.  What I don't like about the plan is that it is packaged food.  Icky, all those chemicals in your body can't be good for it.

I am going to do it on my own.  I am going to eat right and exercise.  A novel concept that works.

Good luck to my fellow competitor and to all of those trying to lose a few pounds before bathing suit season.

Newest Happenings In Moi Life

So I have been engaged for three whole weeks and a tone has happened.  We decided (well more like me) to have the wedding right away.  I wanted to get married in the summer but didn't want to wait another year so we are getting married on Sunday, September 4. It is a long weekend so it still gives everyone travel time and because it is the Sunday, I have had no problem at all finding vendors.

In twenty one days I have picked a: date, location, caterer, cake baker, invitations, guest list, colors, florist, photographer, wedding bands, master of ceremonies, flower girl dress, and most importantly my dress.  I have been busy and under stress but everything is going to be fine. We also established a budget (small one) that I am determined to work within. It is all going to be great.  Small, intimate wedding in a courtyard (the Lady Slipper Courtyard, doesn't that sounds beautiful, it is) and a fabulous small party to follow. 

Ceremony location

 Dress

Colors

On a sad note, I think I have to find a new home for our beloved beagle.  She has separation anxiety and it has been getting worse the past few weeks.  It breaks my heart to even think of letting her live with someone else but she needs better owners.  She is the most loving dog in the world and wouldn't hurt anyone but she needs more attention than we are able to give her.  I am working with my trainer to find her a home with owners that are able to give her what she needs.

To help lose a couple of inches before the wedding, I am starting a new weight loss competition.  My dress fits perfectly but would look better with toned arms and a flatter stomach.  :) 

More Big News

I know I haven't been blogging much lately and for that I am sorry.  I will try to do better in the future.  There has been tones going on in my life including, wait for it,

I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!

After almost a decade of dating (with two brief breaks) the wonderful man I am in love with asked me to be his wife.  I have the most perfect ring (pics to be posted later).

I have no idea what to do for the wedding.  I do plan to run the Vegas 1/2 marathon in December but I don't know if I am a Vegas kind of bride.  Oh well, I will have fun planning.

Let me know if anyone has ideas.  Maybe a destination wedding?

New Job

I am very excited to announce that beginning next Tuesday, I will start my new job!!!  It is very exciting.  Although I am very sad to leave my old job (last day was Friday, lots of tears) I am super pumped for the new challenge that lies ahead of me.  Honestly, it is a lateral move from one arm of government to another but the new arm has kick ass benefits and greater room for advancement.


I have taken a week off to relax.  Well, that is what I first planned to do.  Now I am renovating.  I wish I had the money to just do it all at once but since I apparently like things complicated, I have renovated my bathroom (we are almost done) and then will have new laminate installed this week (with help from my fabulous dad and brother in law).  After that project is done we will build headers for the closets and paint any and all sefices we can find.  I wish I was stretching the truth, everything needs painting, ceilings, walls, doors, trim.  Oh well, once that is done it will be like we have a bran new upstairs.  (Yes, then we can get restarted on the main floor).  Oh the joys of renovating.

I should be packing moving things out of the way but am fixated on getting my new blackberry all set up.  As work will not be supplying me with a phone, I must figure this out by myself.  I am not doing too badly, all I need to do finally transfer my old contacts onto my new phone.  This is exponentially more difficult as I have no set up disks (a wonderful friend lent me his spare berry until the new iPhone comes out).

I will post pics of my renos when they are complete. 

Super Exciting

Do you ever have news that you wanted to scream from the mountain tops but can't because you can't.  All the details aren't final and you don't want to show your hand unless you know that its for sure?  (No I am not pregnant - bite your tongue). 

I am days away from some big news.  Can't wait to share it.

I fit into the dress

So yesterday was a big deal at my work.  Everyone comes in all dressed up and usually in a new outfit.  I have committed not to buy anything new until I drop at least 20 - 30 lbs. (My motivation to lose)  Anyhoo, I bought a couple of dresses about a month ago that looked awful on my (way too tight) but they were a great deal (marked down to $10). 

Guess what I wore yesterday???

That is right I wore a dress that three weeks ago was waaaaay too tight.  And it looked good.  I wish I would have taken a picture.  I think I am going to try on the other dress to wear to a wedding on Saturday.

So far I am down 5.5 pounds.  So far I am loving Atkins.

Rocking This Week

It’s now been 7 full days since I have started my Atkins program. I am pleased to report that in 7 days I have lost 4 pounds. Honestly, it has been easy. The first two and a half days sucked and I had a raging headache for 36 hours but I woke up on day three and started feeling much better. Surprisingly better. (I must state that I have has a stupid cold for three weeks now but from all I read I believe the headache was the no-carb flu.)


I think I may begin to track my carbs with an online calculator (probably Daily Plate by Livestrong) to ensure not only am I staying within my carb range by also that I am not over or under doing it for calories and I am tracking my water. I imputed today’s menu and realized that I may be underestimating the carb count in many foods. If I am going to do this, I want to do it correctly.

In Atkins, they recommend if you have over 30 pounds to lose you (which I do) to begin in the Induction Phase which limits you to 20 carbs a day. This phase is to last a minimum of 2 weeks but if you like the results and do have a bit to lose to stay in it as you see fit. I am going to do at least one more week of Induction, maybe two. 20 carbs a day is challenging but it is not unreasonable. The program also dictates 15 of those carbs are makeup of the foundation vegetables so get nutrients and fiber into your system.

What I find the hardest is not being able to eat unlimited vegetable. But what that has taught me is that most times I am not that hungry. I don’t need to eat 2 cups of broccoli because I can. I am trying to eat to satisfy me, not to eat till I am stuffed. Another major drawback is not being able to have a large supply of snack foods. Snacks are non-existent at this point unless I want to eat Atkins processed food (which I don’t) or spend time making my own (again I do not). I want crunch. I want chips and salsa, pita chips and hummus - something that makes a sound when I eat it. I am in no way suffering because of this but it’s funny what we have trained our mine to want.

Trying Something New

I had taken out a bunch of library books about a month ago.  I received my notice that they were due for return and I had only finished reading one.  I went to renew them all automatically and discovered one of the books I had out had a hold on it so I could not renew it.  I decided to give the book a quick look through at least.

The book was Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It.  I picked it up on a whim the last time I was at the library as it was on the shelf staring at me.  The author Gary Taubes also wrote the book Good Calories, Bad Calories.  The book is just over 200 pages so needless to say I did not get a thorough read in but the book did help me make a decision.  I am going low carb. 

I am sick of being heavy and need something to jump start the weight loss.  Yes it maybe gimmicky but it is a new way for me to look at food.  The old way I see food is not helping me at all.  It makes sense not to eat white flour and sugar.  Cutting back on crappy carbs (okay not the good vegetable carbs but all the processed crap that we eat) makes sense.  My problem is that I still eat crappy carbs regardless of what meal plan I am on.  All plans include some 'cheats'.  I then let those cheats take over.  I know this about myself and want to try and retrain my mind not to continue on this pattern. 

Why We Get Fat explains what didn’t make us fat: prosperity leading to gluttony and sloth. Obesity has been common among populations who were poor beyond our imaginations, even among those who worked long hours at manual-labor jobs. The scientific research shows that exercise may be good for our overall health, but does little to help us shed excess body fat. And of course, low-calorie diets have an abysmal track record — even the obesity “experts” who promote them admit as much in private. In other words, after 200 years of our existence as a nation we didn’t — in one generation, mind you — become fatter because we decided that since we’re well-off now, we should start eating too much and moving too little.

I really liked the matter of factness about the book.  Most obese people hate being fat and have tried many times to lose weight. As Taubes points out, if shedding excess body fat were really as simple as cutting 100 calories per day, pretty much every fat person would do it. The trouble is, most of them have done it, only to find it didn’t work. Meanwhile, people who’ve never been fat and regularly eat until they’re full expect obese people to spend the rest of lives feeling half-starved so they can become lean.

The book made sense.  It made me think.  It helped me to decided to give low carb a try. If anyone has any thoughts, observations or experiences they would like to share I would love to hear them.

Got a Goal

I still feel all icky but have been trying to eat healthy.  It has been easy as I only want to eat soup and eggs. 

To help towards my goals, I have signed up for a half marathon.  It is in December but it in Vegas baby!!!  The Vegas Rock and Roll Marathon.

It going to be fun.  Me and my bestie. 

Mr. Elephant Please get off my chest

I have had a chest cold for about 6 days now.  I feel so very crappy.  I have a wonderful hacking cough and it feels like a gigantic weight on my chest.  I tried to go for a walk with the dog in the cold (I mean like -40 with wind) and came home in tears as my lungs hurt so bad.

Good news, the elephant that is sitting on my lungs is looking like it is lightening up a bit and my cough is starting to be accompanied by phlegm which always means an end is coming for the cough.

I am hoping this week with the warmer weather (knock on wood) that I can get out for some runs.  I need to get moving.  My legs are itching for some hurt.

Is Endurance Exercise the Fountain of Youth?

I found this article and was floored.  Time to get out my runners again.  Can't hurt to try right?

Endurance exercise on a treadmill prevented premature aging in mice that are genetically disposed to to aging faster. The mouse treadmill workouts were for 45 minutes, three times a week for five months. While the control group of mice showed the expected premature aging, "balding, greying, physically inactive, socially isolated and less fertile," the treadmill mice looked as young and healthy as regular mice.

"Many people falsely believe that the benefits of exercise will be found in a pill. We have clearly shown that there is no substitute for the 'real thing' of exercise when it comes to protection from aging," said Mark Tarnopolsky, principal investigator of the study in a press release from McMasters University. Previous studies with these premature-aging mice tried various drugs and calorie restriction with far less effect.

"I believe that we have very compelling evidence that clearly show that endurance exercise is a lifestyle approach that improves whole body mitochondrial function which is critical for reducing morbidity and mortality," said Adeel Safdar, lead author and a senior PhD student working with Tarnopolsky. "Exercise truly is the fountain of youth."

The mice age faster due to a defect in their mitochondria, which are the cell's powerhouses. As mitochondria age, every cell in the body has less fuel to run on. In humans, this happens as we age and defects pile up in the mitochondrial DNA. Endurance exercise kept the mitochondria youthful in this study.

The amount of exercise that the mice got matches nicely with the exercise recommendations made by health authorities worldwide. Previous human studies have found that regular exercise can give you more healthy, active years.
Source:
Adeel Safdar, et. al. "Endurance exercise rescues progeroid aging and induces systemic mitochondrial rejuvenation in mtDNA mutator mice," PNAS published ahead of print February 22, 2011, doi:10.1073/pnas.1019581108

If he can do it so can you

Don't you dare tell me you are too fat to run.  There is a 410 pound former US Sumo Wresting Champ planning on running a marathon. 

http://backseatfan.com/2011/02/410-lb-sumo-wrestler-to-run-la-marathon/

Update on Goals

Here an update on my goals.  I thought I will revist my goals on a semi-regular basis so that I can be accoutnable. 


I will reconnect with God. This one has not been the going the best. I had some wonderful advice from a dear friend but unfortunately have not taken it. School has been crazy and if I don’t commit to school work on Sundays that usually means I have spent most weeknight doing school work and miss my family so much we use it as a family day. I think for now, at least until this class is over, I will have to reconnect with God using by bible.

I will be a more patient mom. This one is working. I have to really try to consciously not get angry but it is working.

I will work on my relationship with my boyfriend. This too is working. We still need to find a councilor but we are working together. Plus we are getting closer to actually becoming engaged (I may or may not have already started to plan the wedding).

I will extend my friends network. Okay, so I have not really extended anything but have reconnected with some friends that I haven’t made the effort to stay in touch with.

I will run three 10k races and at least one half marathon. I may have found a training partner for the 10k races.

I will lose 50 pounds. So far this year I am not where I want to be but that just means I need to work harder.

I will work hard towards obtaining my masters in human resources. I have not been slacking in class. The class I am taking is kicking my ass but my head is above water so far.

I will make a budget that pays down debt and increases savings. I have not sunk further into debt. I have not really put a big dent into it yet. I need to stick to my budget better. Stupid expenses keep jumping up. Oh well. At least it is not a deeper whole than I started out with.

Who is that fat girl out the window?

Do I am sitting at school yesterday dutifully doing my homework.  I look over and think, wow that girls is fat.  Shit, I just say my reflection.  I was not in the best posture and was in my lulus and a hoodie so there was no support from my clothes as to were restriction.  I am taken aback.  It amazes me continually how far I have let myself slide.  According to my bmi, I am once again in the obese zone.  Shit, not even overweight any more. 

 I found this on the Internet today.  See I see myself between a 26-29.  So when you see a big ol' 33 looking back at you its a scary sight.  I did not freak out and drown my sorrows in a tub of ice cream.  Instead I finished my homework, came home and ate four prunes as I was hungry but didn't want to eat really bad.  I got my sweetness fix and some great fiber.

I did do my shred this morning.  I am trying my hardest to keep up with them and if I do take a break, I am only out for 5 seconds.  I am better today than on Monday so at least there is that progress.

Tomorrow I am taking the big plunge and stepping on the scale.  Honestly, I am terrified of the number that is going to show up on there but its my number and no matter what I have to own up to it. 

Confession and Committment

I am full of excuses. Full of them. I can think one up for anything, especially exercising.
- I am too fat
- I am too hungry
- I am too tired
- I don’t have a gym membership
- The free gym membership that comes with my (very expensive) University tuition doesn’t have childcare
- I feel bad leaving my child at home with her dad
- I don’t like running on the treadmill
- It’s too cold to run outside (today though it truly is, -48 with the wind chill is ridiculous)
- And on, and on, and on…

I worked out yesterday and today. I am trying to get out of the cycle of excuses.

There is a reason for this. On Sunday I went to put on a pair of jean to go out grocery shopping and ended up in tears. The size 12 jeans I had that have never been tight on me since I bought them two years ago were disgustingly tight. Lie on the bed to do up and have the most repulsive muffin top due to all the pressure tight. This makes me embarrassed to admit it out loud that I have let myself go this bad. I think I was this fat after I gave birth four years ago. I have been too terrified to step on a scale since Sunday. I don’t want to see that number. (Although I went to the doctor’s on Wednesday of last week for my physical and was weighed there so I know approximately how much it is.)
One positive about going grocery shopping when you are fat made me re-evaluate all my purchases. I did buy Fresca but have only had half a can since. Every time I picked up a deliciously fattening food item, I thought about how far I let myself slip and put it back. I don’t deserve a treat, treats are what got me into plus sized clothes. I deserve to start treating me better and taking care of myself. No filling it full of crap.

Last night to show myself how bad its gotten, I went through my closet and moved out all the clothes I am no longer able to wear. There is less than half my closet left. Again I came to tears. I am committed to not buying more to replace what I have outgrown. I will work towards getting back into the clothes I wore three months ago and the clothes I have bought that are in storage for ‘when I am skinny enough to wear them’.

A weird thing is I am not pumped to get going. I am calm about it. I know it’s not going to be easy and there is going to be a tonne of temptation to knock me off my goal but I am going to persevere. I am not going to buy size 14 jeans. I refuse to. I will become a healthier and better me. I will not try and take the easy route (which I seriously contemplated by asking my doctor for a prescription)

Once you say it out loud you can’t take it back. It’s a commitment and now I am committed. It will be done.

When to Feel Good?

Obesity: The Number One Health Issue

It’s that time of year when everyone has made a promise to eat clean and healthy for the next 365 days. It’s now mid-January, about 15 days into your resolution and are you still on track? I know I have slipped off and hauled my butt back on a couple of times.  Don’t fall off that slow moving wagon – yes, it’s a slog, the road is bumpy, the results are slow and it takes monumental effort to hang on – but your body and mind will thank you.


A recent survey by CBC, released earlier this month found that the number one health issue affecting Canadians is obesity. The CBC launched a website to help Canadians become healthier.  That is right, a media site to help you achieve your health goals.  That seem strange to me.  That is odd that media would concentrate on the health of its clients.  They are not health care workers - they are reporters.  I have nothing against reporters, they are wonderful people, but omg, we are that fat that we have to have media talking non-stop about why we should lose weight.

Look around you and you don’t need a survey to tell you that we, as a nation, are getting heavier and heavier. What’s scarier than these findings however, it that that majority of Canadians believe they are living a healthy lifestyle and believe their generation is healthier than the previous one! An odd statement given that most agree that our youth today will be the first generation likely to die before their parents due to complications from being overweight. Canadian health is in a crisis…so hang onto that wagon…don’t fall off and resolve to keep living clean and healthy.
So what are you doing to stay on track? Have you built in some accountability to your exercise routine – like working out with a buddy? I have scheduled my workouts and am actually sticking to them (so far). And what about your fridge? Are you buying lots of fruits and veggies? Not only will all those vitamins and fibre help your waistline, they will chase away the winter blues. When I get get home from grocery shopping I always cut up my veggies so they are ready to munch on. Having everything cut up makes short work of getting in those extra servings of veggies. And it sure beats grabbing for those carbs which will do your waistline not an inch of good.

Need to Move

I need to get off my couch and move my ass.  I have no motivation to do anything lately, it is ridiculous.  The two mornings last week I woke up early to do my 30 day shred, my daughter got up too and cried inconsolably.  It doesn't help it is freezing cold out.  I can only bring myself to do hot yoga.  Tonight I have hot yoga.  Tomorrow I will get up and take my wonderful rambunctious dog for a run.  I will stop this self defeating cycle of sitting on my ass snacking the night away. 

My masters class is sucking out all my energy.  It is taking way more effort than I anticipated.  I am keeping my head above water which is good.  I am keeping on top of things and have made a calendar to map out the upcoming semester.  It is going to be hard but I am going to persevere. 

I need to move to relieve some stress.  I am going put together a exercise schedule an stick to it.  (As you can tell I am a little list oriented.)  This will work. I will ensure I have enough energy to follow through on my goals.

Unexpected Kick in the Ass

Last week I experienced an unexpected and uplifting kick in the ass. About a month ago I received a less than stellar performance review at work. I have approximately three direct supervisors at work but the big boss must sign off on all reviews. Without getting into too many details, I did not receive the outcome I thought I deserved and voiced my option on it. I felt the system was unfair as top marks were frowned upon (you can always do better) and that others in my company did not put in the effort or commitment I do and received more favorable reviews. I was so displeased that my review was not amended that I began to search out other employment opportunities.


Well, one of my supervisors (who did not take part in the review) sat me down to talk about my work and my displeasure in my performance review. (Side note: this boss is a very powerful and feared man. He is smart, well educated and I respect him immensely.) He told me point blank that I should not compare myself to anyone else, and that the reason I did not receive a high scoring was due to my own performance. He went on to say that even though I do outperform most of my coworkers, compared to what he knows that I can accomplish, I have been lagging. He told me that he believes I can do anything I set my mind to and that I need to decide exactly what I want to do. Basically my performance does not meet the high expectations I have set for myself due to previous performances. He did not mean it as an insult but as a compliment. (Trust me if he wasn’t happy with my performance I would not be working where I am.)

I took what he said to heart. I have not been living up to my potential. At times in life I just float through. I do the bare minimum to get by and do not give it all that I have. This is true about many things. I don’t know why I do it but I do. It is one of my character flaws I guess. Maybe it comes from knowing that everything can’t be perfect all the time so I let it slide, problem is that too many things are sliding. I need to prioritize more effectively. My life will not become detrimentally worse if I do not watch Teen Mom 2 or eat whatever I want; it will however get worse if I continue to let my weight climb or let my finance run out of control.

I commit from this point forward to do more for my family and me and less for the little things. If it doesn’t help us, then I don’t need to participate.

2011 Goals

A lot of blogger have been putting down their goals for the new year.  I have read a few lists that have inspired me. I was truly inspired by Mindy's post and did a lot of nodding when I was reading it. 

Here are my goals for 2011


I will reconnect with God.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  Honestly, I don't really know where to start.  I would really like to join a church but don't know how to do that.  If anyone can help me or give me reassurances on this front I would appreciate it.

I will be a more patient mom.  My child is my world but I need to learn to enjoy her more and learn that everything doesn't always have to be perfect.

I will work on my relationship with my boyfriend and hopefully make him my husband this year.  One of the stipulation of getting back together was that we will go into counselling to help us become a better couple and to get married.

I will extend my friends network.  I have become an introvert somehow.  I need to expand my social network beyond befriending new people on facebook.

I will run three 10k races and at least one half marathon.  I have a heavy course load and a big commitment in the fall so I am keeping this goal smaller than I would like.

I will lose 50 pounds.  I have a menu plan set out and am working on a workout schedule.  I will keep my commitment to stay on track.  I will post my menu plan in a couple of days.

I will work hard towards obtaining my masters in human resources.  No more slacking cause it is easy.  I don't mean to brag but I am pretty good at scholastic (read, I am a geek) and sometimes rest on my laurels.  If I actually apply myself I learn more and want to do better.

I will make a budget that pays down debt and increases savings.  I acknowledge that I probably will not get out of debt this year due to going back to school but I would love to be more secure and not live off credit for the last week of the month.

I would love to hear your feedback and/or suggestions.