Confession and Committment

I am full of excuses. Full of them. I can think one up for anything, especially exercising.
- I am too fat
- I am too hungry
- I am too tired
- I don’t have a gym membership
- The free gym membership that comes with my (very expensive) University tuition doesn’t have childcare
- I feel bad leaving my child at home with her dad
- I don’t like running on the treadmill
- It’s too cold to run outside (today though it truly is, -48 with the wind chill is ridiculous)
- And on, and on, and on…

I worked out yesterday and today. I am trying to get out of the cycle of excuses.

There is a reason for this. On Sunday I went to put on a pair of jean to go out grocery shopping and ended up in tears. The size 12 jeans I had that have never been tight on me since I bought them two years ago were disgustingly tight. Lie on the bed to do up and have the most repulsive muffin top due to all the pressure tight. This makes me embarrassed to admit it out loud that I have let myself go this bad. I think I was this fat after I gave birth four years ago. I have been too terrified to step on a scale since Sunday. I don’t want to see that number. (Although I went to the doctor’s on Wednesday of last week for my physical and was weighed there so I know approximately how much it is.)
One positive about going grocery shopping when you are fat made me re-evaluate all my purchases. I did buy Fresca but have only had half a can since. Every time I picked up a deliciously fattening food item, I thought about how far I let myself slip and put it back. I don’t deserve a treat, treats are what got me into plus sized clothes. I deserve to start treating me better and taking care of myself. No filling it full of crap.

Last night to show myself how bad its gotten, I went through my closet and moved out all the clothes I am no longer able to wear. There is less than half my closet left. Again I came to tears. I am committed to not buying more to replace what I have outgrown. I will work towards getting back into the clothes I wore three months ago and the clothes I have bought that are in storage for ‘when I am skinny enough to wear them’.

A weird thing is I am not pumped to get going. I am calm about it. I know it’s not going to be easy and there is going to be a tonne of temptation to knock me off my goal but I am going to persevere. I am not going to buy size 14 jeans. I refuse to. I will become a healthier and better me. I will not try and take the easy route (which I seriously contemplated by asking my doctor for a prescription)

Once you say it out loud you can’t take it back. It’s a commitment and now I am committed. It will be done.