I am scared. Honestly scared to fail at everything I do. I hold myself up to wild expectations and feel disappointed when I can stand up.
One of the reasons I seldom say my goals out loud is because I am petrified not to achieve them. I feel like if I don’t do well in my half marathon I will be a huge disappointment to everyone. In truth, no one will really be that disappointed in me but me. Everyone will give me a high five for the effort and move on with their lives.
I have a couple of mom friends that I aspire to be like (Tyler and Heather) and fell like less of a woman when I see how happy their children are. I aspire to be more fit and active and have a friend that I am jealous of (Rebbecca). I also feel like I would be further along in my career that I am now and really would look up to my boss (Terri).
The funny thing about these three sets of women, there is no overlap. I am not saying that the three sets do not have commonalities but when picking who I aspire to be like, I am very selective. The moms I aspire to be like are stay at home moms, have strong, supportive husbands and the church plays a role in their lives (none of which I have). My fit and active friends I aspire to be like have no children (which I have). My work role model has sacrificed two marriages to get to where she is in life.
Crap.
Looking at the people I respect (and I truly do respect them wholly), I don’t notice their flaws. When comparing them to other people I look up to, I see a void that makes it clear to me that my ‘perfect women’ ideal I am holding myself up to may not be achievable. I would not dream of holding the women I respect up to the same insane ideal I hold myself up to. It’s almost like I am striving to fail. I don’t think I can do it all (although I am sure someone out there can) but what I can do is be the best me I can be. I am not giving up all my goals, prioritizing them, still putting effort towards all my goals but just not 100% effort at everything.
I will not set myself up for failure so I don't have to be so scared going forward.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I am Scared to Fail
Posted by Moi at 2:28 PM
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1 comments:
Girl, we all do it! There are so many women I wish I could be like in different ways. Here's the thing - if we get her superstar qualities, we must also be prepared to have her lumps, bumps, and calling.
The women who I look at and feel "less than" are often homeschooling moms to many, many children. I want to love being a mom like they do. I want to have quiet, peaceful, well-behaved children like theirs. But then God reminds me that in order to get those things I must also be willing to sacrifice my social life, my ministry, many of my date nights. I'll probably also need to experience years of finacial hardship like I've never known. All that to get the "good" little children I always wanted.
So yeah, I'll take my noisy, bickering brood any day. As long as I get to hang onto the ministry I love, lots of date nights with my man, and the odd girls' night out!
:) Love you. (FYI, my children aren't near as happy as you might think. Heather's are though. I hate her. LOL!)
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