Holy Crap Balls

I have my half marathon in 19 days and just realized I have not ran for a friggen week!!!!  That was stupid.  I felt like crap last week and the weather was awful and rainy most of the week. 

I went out today and totally sucked assballs (okay I do realize I am making up words here). 

This is all okay because I am going to work my butt off to get back into peak (read I won't die) shape.

Oh, also in good news...  My advisor for my master's program called today and if I don't register for a class this semester I have to either take a non-performance class (read do nothing and pay the university $400) or make up the time quick.  I am option to make it up. 

Anyone want to make bets on when I crack?  Soon me things.  lol

Have a wonderful Monday.

So Tired

I am exhausted.   I could close my eyes and go to sleep at any moment.  I have been doing way too much. Doing two set of renovations (redoing the electrical and totally redoing the bedrooms) is taking its tole.  I really need a good nights sleep.  I sleep for eight hours a night but it doesn't seem to be enough.  Weekend are you here yet?  (Not like that matters, weekends are busy times too.)

Inspiration

Wow, what a day.  I am fortunate to live in a beautiful city that is host to a wonderful organized marathon.  It was the 10th Anniversary for the QCM.  Runner come for all over to run here as we are one of the flattest Boston qualifiers. 

My bff and her husband came down for the weekend to run it.  It was my bff's first ever half marathon and her husbands fifth.  I have never participated (even as a spectator) in any official marathon event.  I have been in fun runs and 10K runs but this was the first big one.  All I can say is WOW.  I packed up the three little girls (two of theirs and one of mine) to go see them cross the finish line.  It was amazing to see the runners cross the finish line and it felt soooo good even cheering them on, giving them some encouragement to keep going.  It was so inspirational and I think just what I needed to give me that push to keep up my training and not to miss a run when it isn't the perfect conditions. 

Just before my bff's husband crossed a girl actually passed out about 10 feet from crossing.  It was horrible.  I am not sure what was going on but she had medical staff around her so I was sure that I couldn't be of help. He crossed the finish line at just over the 2 hour mark, not his personal best but pretty good. 

As he was kinda worried about his wife, I decided to go find her and cheer her on.  I left his kids with him and took mine (she didn't want me to leave without her).  We walked about 1 kilometer before I saw her.  We cheered her on and ran with her for about 300 meters before my daughter couldn't run any longer.  It was awesome. 

Both of them were hurting cases but I am so proud of them.  It is hard to run 13.1 miles.  I am sufficiently scared - that's going to be me in 5 weeks. 

After both of them were done I ran into a few other friends who ran.  Some stories were heartbreaking, others were inspirational, some were both. 

The winner of the QCM is a local running hero.  He has his own running group, the Jeleta Pacers.  It was Ted Jeleta's first time running the QCM and he came in at 2:49.  Amazing.  (Plus me bff was super pumped cause she came in before he did, something she didn't think would happen.)

If you get  a chance, go out and cheer on a local race even if you don't know anyone in it.  It will give the inspiration to keep moving on your next run.

I am Scared to Fail

I am scared. Honestly scared to fail at everything I do. I hold myself up to wild expectations and feel disappointed when I can stand up.
One of the reasons I seldom say my goals out loud is because I am petrified not to achieve them. I feel like if I don’t do well in my half marathon I will be a huge disappointment to everyone. In truth, no one will really be that disappointed in me but me. Everyone will give me a high five for the effort and move on with their lives.
I have a couple of mom friends that I aspire to be like (Tyler and Heather) and fell like less of a woman when I see how happy their children are. I aspire to be more fit and active and have a friend that I am jealous of (Rebbecca). I also feel like I would be further along in my career that I am now and really would look up to my boss (Terri).
The funny thing about these three sets of women, there is no overlap. I am not saying that the three sets do not have commonalities but when picking who I aspire to be like, I am very selective. The moms I aspire to be like are stay at home moms, have strong, supportive husbands and the church plays a role in their lives (none of which I have). My fit and active friends I aspire to be like have no children (which I have). My work role model has sacrificed two marriages to get to where she is in life.

Crap.

Looking at the people I respect (and I truly do respect them wholly), I don’t notice their flaws. When comparing them to other people I look up to, I see a void that makes it clear to me that my ‘perfect women’ ideal I am holding myself up to may not be achievable. I would not dream of holding the women I respect up to the same insane ideal I hold myself up to. It’s almost like I am striving to fail. I don’t think I can do it all (although I am sure someone out there can) but what I can do is be the best me I can be. I am not giving up all my goals, prioritizing them, still putting effort towards all my goals but just not 100% effort at everything.

I will not set myself up for failure so I don't have to be so scared going forward.