Day Three of Sick

I am sick.  I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck and my skin is on fire sick. To make the situation even more awesome is my daughter has been sick. She got sick on Friday night and was finally good enough to go to daycare today. I took her to the doctor on Monday and she had a viral infection so bad she had viral cold soars on her mouth and down her throat.

Being sick as a single mom with no family in the same city where you live sucks.  There is no one there to help out. I do have friends I could have called to help me out but nothing is like having your mom come help out (my mom did offer to come help out but is would have been a 4 hour drive for her so I told her not to worry about it). You feel helpless. My daughter and I lay on opposite ends of the couch just being sick – it was pitiful. Hopefully I will have shaken this by tomorrow and will be on the mend.

Being sick has given me ample time to watch a lot of TV. I was able to catch up on the Biggest Loser and this season is pissing me off. I know it is the season of no excuses which is hilarious because everyone has an excuse on this season. I cannot believe what an amazing opportunity these people are throwing away. After some reflection I am pissed off at myself.  I throw away amazing opportunities everyday of lose weight and be where I want to be.  I make all kind of excuses not to exercise and to eat poorly. The thought of exercising right now makes my stomach turn and it hurts to walk to the bathroom so it may not be the best time to start an intensive exercise program. I have to figure something out, I need to stop this path of self-destruction, and I need to be the person I want to be. 

I have all the tools and resources I need to lose weight. They may not be the perfect tools but I got tools.  I also have determination to make my life better. I have let my past drag me down and determine the person I am not – a fat and lazy person – and now I want to improve my life and make me better. I don’t want to have my life determined by my excuses but rather I would like to be determined by my efforts.

Between naps today (yes, I am that sick) I will make meal plan for myself that is obtainable and easy to follow and will set up an exercise calendar that I will follow. I will not let negative energy hold me down I will continue and I will be successful.

Come on Dragon - Bring me Good Luck

Happy Chinese New Year!!!  It is the year of the Dragon and it is believed that the dragon is a symbol of good fortune and power. It symbolized big things to come. On New Year's Day we are not suppose to talk about the past but rather look forward to the future. I was going to write my post on my crappy weekend but not instead I will look forward to the good that is to come.

I am not a firm believer in Chinese astrology but could use the promise of something good to come. (I think we can all use the promise of good to come even if that good is status quo for the lucky some of you out there.) This post is a little different than normal as I lament on my negative thinking as of late. I need to stop being a negative Nora and be the  happy person I know I am.  I am done crying at red lights (yeah, I know its ridiculous) and relearn life is not that bad. The world does have goodness in it and we should cherish the miracle that is our life.

So my wish for myself as well as for you in this coming year is to have a wondrous year (regardless of which calendar you are on).  I hope you have fun all through the year and do work that makes you come alive.  I hope you get in the best shape of your life and learn to take better care of yourself. I hope you make a positive difference in the lives of those around. To live the life you want and live it to the fullest, not the way world wants you to live it. I hope you leave the past behind, move ahead and find the balm for any of your scars from the past – in form of love or your own courage. I hope you smile more and spread happiness around.

Depression... Well that's not helping anything

I have come to the realization that I may be suffering from depression. It would not be the first time and I don't think anyone would judge me for being depressed but it doesn't negate the fact that depression sucks.

It is weird though, even though I think I am suffering from depression, I am still happy. I try to be upbeat and not look at the negative. I know I am fortunate in my life but that doesn't help sometime. Those times, I find myself sitting on the couch way past my bedtime watching very bad TV not wanting to get up to take the stairs to go to bed. Because I wait so long to go to sleep, I rarely get ready for bed (washing my face, brushing my teeth). Because I go to bed late I tend to press snooze too many times and half the times don't shower in the morning.

As a result of not taking care of myself my face is breaking out which makes me feel worse about myself. Sleeping in also makes eating a good breakfast and packing a proper lunch a lot harder.It is hard on me and it is hard on my daughter. I don't have as much patience and I am harder on her. I also let her do things like watching too much TV so I to can just sit on the couch and not do anything. 

Depression is vicious circle. The lazier, the more depressed I get.  The more depressed I get the lazier I get. I need this to stop. I can't keep doing this. Unlike last time, I don't want to go on medication like last time.  They were helpful last time but I do want to try this on my own. If it doesn't work, may go the pharmaceutical route again.

I plan on setting a few goal this week to try and improve my situation. My goals are:

1. Be in bed at 10 pm each night. (I think sleep is key for so many things)
2. Exercise 4 times this week for at least 30 minutes.  Even if this is walking (not running) on my treadmill I need to get moving.
3. Pack my lunch and breakfast at night when I am done supper.  I do plan on getting a jump on this by making a big pot of soup today and dividing it up into individual bowls.
4. Shower at least 5 out of 7 days this week.

Lofty goals I know but I think if I set them too big I will fail.  If I fail, I feel worse about myself and we all know how that goes.

I am also going to try and blog more. Even if no one reads my blog, I feel it keeps my accountable. Part of my problem is that I have had trouble connecting with my friends again since the breakup and don't have anyone to talk to. This is totally my fault for not reaching out.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful week.  I know I am going to try to.

No More Wasteful Spending

Today after I picked up my daughter from daycare we went to the grocery store to pick up some buns for supper.  I thought we would spend under $5 and spend $15.  Instead of just the buns we got we got the buns, a roast chicken, some wedges, and chocolate bar (for my daughter). I gave into what my daughter wanted and left very frustrated. I want to keep on my budget but at the end of a long day at the end of a long week it is hard to fight with a five year old over roast chicken (and really I can make at least one other meal out of it too).

We came home and I wanted to teach a lesson about money. I sat my daughter down and asked her where she wanted to go on vacation.  She said Disneyland, Hawaii, Mexico and China (yeah I know, lofty goals).  I told her if she really wanted to go on a vacation we needed to start saving money. I took out all the change out of my wallet and started deducting  money for things like the mortgage, daycare fees, gas, utilities (of course explaining it in small words) and after all necessary expenses there was little left in the pile (kind of like real life).  I asked my daughter how else we could spend money.  Oh course that was not easy to think of things to spend money on. When there was nothing else left I asked how would we pay for a vacation and I could see her wheels starting to turn. She started to think of way we could save money and how we can get more money (apparently grandma and grandpa better learn to say no).

I am glad I had the talk with her and figured out a way to get through to my daughter why wasteful spending is so bad.  Both of us have big goals in life and like most things in life, some come with a price tag. Now that she is on the same page hopefully the situations I was in this evening will not happen as much and when I go to the store I will only spend $5 not triple that amount.

I am Baaaaack

New year and tones of changes.

It has been a while since I have blogged.  I missed it and all of you tremendously.  I have been going through my own struggles and needed to not air the very hateful and horrible things was thinking. Those aren't things that should be shared.  For those keeping track, the split up was final and it was horrible.  I have taken it extremely well (not only by my own opinion but others have told me that as well) and am at an okay place in my life.  Not the best place but a place where I can see unlimited possibilities on the horizon.

It has been over four months since I last wrote and  over those months I have not been taking very good care of myself.  I have indulged because I felt I deserved it and stop exercising because it was easier to hit the snooze button than drag myself out of bed.  I made excuse and excuse to justify what I was doing to myself and in doing so I but on 15 extra pounds. I look and feel disgusting.  I have stopped that abuse of myself and have begun to take care of myself. I have stopped saying tomorrow and begun today to eat healthy.

Tomorrow (and I do mean tomorrow) starts the 30 Day Shred. If I don't get up in the morning it will get done when I get home from work, if that doesn't work then I will do it before I go to bed. It will happen. It has to start to happen.  I can't buy bigger pants - I refuse to buy bigger pants.

Another reason I am not buying bigger pants is because I am going to try and curb my spending. It is ridiculous the amount of money I spend on useless thing.  I am no longer going to spend money to fill the whole in my life, instead I am going to keep that money in my bank and fill that whole with loved and new fabulous experiences. I spend New Years day watching the Gail Vaz-Oxlade show Princess, where girls throw their (and other people's money) away on crap to make themselves feel better about themselves. Whiles I don't spend $600 a month on my hair I am a shopaholic and need to find a better way to make myself feel better.

Bad thing about being gone for so long is I feel there is so much to catch up on but its time to say good night.  This princess needs to get to bed - I have an early morning date with Jillian!!!

Life Changes

My life is my life.  No matter what other people do to make my life change I have to own the fact that this is my life and I need to take control of my life. This week I have had to make some really hard decisions, decisions I did not want to make but ignoring them was not a possibility. With making the decisions I have not really considered other people's feeling but have concentrated on what is best for me first and then how the decisions would impact my daughter.

Most all of my decisions I am comfortable with. The some small ones I have regretted. (Okay the ones I regretted were almost all food choices - bad emotional eater.) The good decisions were hard and some even made me cry. The hardest one this week was the decision to give away my dog. It made me cry. But my dog is a dog and she will be fine. She is a huge source of stress in my life and right now I just do not need any extra stress.

The worst part of my life right now is I have no choice but to make choices. I have no one who can make the choices for me. I just want someone to give me solutions to my problems - easy fixes. Unfortunately I do not think there are easy fixes to my life's problems right now. Absolutely no quick ones. I think I need time to heal and time to grow. 

I need to start looking at me in a different way. I need to start taking better care of myself. I think that needs to start soon.  I am taking a mini vacation in lie of a honeymoon. I am going to take that time for me, to start taking care of myself and my daughter.

Here I Am...

Here I am again.  I am at the point in my life where I realize sometimes love just isn't enough - no matter what the cheesy love songs say.

No matter what I said or did I could not stop the inevitable and my family is now separated.  Not broken but just taking on a different but familiar form. Once again my family consists of me and my daughter. Danny has decided that he no longer would like to be a member of our family. He said he will make an effort to still see our daughter and we will see what the future brings.

I am holding up amazingly well at this point but I am sure I have a few sad days ahead. I am prepared for that. I also know that after those days and in between those days I am going to be in for a some happy days. This is fact. I will survive and will come out better.

This breakup maybe a horrible and aweful thing but I am going to make the best of a bad situation. I will learn from this and come out stronger.  I am survivor!!!

Hit with a Brick

I feel numb and empty and do not know what to do. Last night my fiancée told me is unsure if he wants to marry me and thinks he may be happier if we were apart. I felt like I was slapped upside the head with a brick. He says he doesn’t know what he really wants.

There is 26 days until the wedding. Or at least 26 days until we were suppose to be married.

Right now I should really be working but I just feel like crawling in a hole. I don’t know who to talk to because I am hoping that this is just a phase (a very short one) and will pass. I don’t want anyone thinking of him badly. I know there are not a lot of my family or friends who read this so I am writing to stranger in hopes they can offer some kind of help.

We had a couple of minor arguments the past couple of weeks but nothing bad. On Friday, while I was at my parents, he went to visit friends. Because of his past tendencies of taking off for the weekend I was a little upset that he didn’t tell me he was going but I didn’t have a problem with it as we were not home anyway. Well we were supposed to meet the next day and he was going to take the kid and the dog with him but he wouldn’t answer his phone. He didn’t come home until yesterday.

I was pissed. I told him so.

He said he didn’t even want to come home.

I told him if he doesn’t want to be with me to pack up and leave.

It was bad.
We had a long discussion later and he told me is mad all the time and not happy. I called bullshit because I know his daughter and me make him happy. He said he doesn’t know what to think. I gave him until Friday to decide what to do. If he decides he does not want to be with me, I gave him until the end of the month to get out of the house.

He was awake most of the night and didn’t go to work today. I told him to think of going to the doctor to maybe get a prescription for depression. Last year I was on anti-depressants for a while and it helped me. Depression and mental illness run in his family and I told him to at least go get the prescription and then decide later if he wants to take it. He said he would think about it which means he probably won’t do it.
I don’t know what to do and hate the feeling of having my fate in someone else’s hands. I don’t want any of this to happen. I am suppose to be celebrating our love by planning our wedding not thinking about splitting assets and getting an attorney.

I feel so lost and alone.

Oy Vey

July has not been a stellar month for me.  I gained weight.  Not good at all. It is 37 day until the wedding and I cannot get motivated to get in better shape. I need to start but now it seems hopeless.

I am on vacation from work starting today. I am off for 10 days.  I am going to try not to indulge in everything you can when on vacation.  Wish me luck. I have packed my workout stuff to.  I hope to do some running on vacation, even just a bit to start the marathon training that is creeping up in December.

Didn't Feed the Bad Feelings

I had a baaad day yesterday. We have had some big unexpected costs lately in addition to the upcoming wedding. We have been handling everything in stride (minus a couple of small temper tantrums on my part). The major expense has been the truck. My finance was driving the truck when the tire blew. Well there was a lot of damage done when that piece of rubber gave way. Like $3,500 dollars worth of damage. Thankfully insurance covered the cost but there is still the deductable to pay. When the truck was in for servicing we found out the front struts were leaking and we decided to fix those which were a $1,800 touch. Well yesterday they told me the rear levelling compressor is kaput which is another $1,250. (Insert large tantrum here.) After I got the news I had an incredible urge to eat… and eat really bad. Worse, I met a friend at the mall to vent and there was all the horrible mall food calling my name.
Guess what? I resisted the urge. I thought it through and knew I would feel even worse if I ate crappy food to fill the crater of despair that was in me. (Okay, maybe being a bit dramatic but I think we have all had that feel where at the time it is awful and 5 minutes later things are not that bad.) I breathed my was through it and just went on with my day. I didn’t even reward myself for maintaining some level of self control. I just moved on. That was a huge step for me. Hopefully just one of many lessons I will learn on my journey to non-fatness.
I have recommitted to be the best me I can be. It’s been hot as hell here so my workouts have been non-existent but tomorrow is going to start off with a run. I am going to make good decisions and do what I can when I can for exercise. We had central air finally hooked up this week so that will make it easier to work up a sweat too. I may be a chubby bride in 44 days when I say my “I do’s” but I will be well on my way to being a slim and fit wife.

Okay that's Enough of That

So it has been a pretty hard week for me.  My finance had to go tend to his dad who is sick and I was single parenting again.  It wasn't so bad but I miss the adult company more than the parenting help. On top of that one of our vehicles is still in the shop getting repaired and I got the wonderful news the front struts are leaking which essentially means an extra $2,000 to fix.  Oh and then our TV quit working.  The power supply in my specific TV has been know to come loose.  It is about a $500 fix or just slightly more to buy a new one. 

I was having a bit of a pity party for myself until I came to the realization it could be worse. No one is dying, no one is in pain, we are doing just fine. The events of a few days are not meant to punish me for something I did, it is just a course of events I have no control over. It is just life - with its ups and downs.

What I can control is me. I am tired of blaming everything on my inability to take off the pounds. It is my fault, no one else.  Yes, sometimes circumstances are presented but it is how I react to those circumstances that determines what the scale says.  With my new mindset I put in a Jillian workout dvd last night after kiddlet was put to bed. Now I only got through half of it before I gave up (between the countless 'moooooommmmmy!!!!' calling and the animals who wouldn't leave me alone) but what matters is that tonight I will try again and hopefully get thought the whole thing.  Tomorrow we will go on a bike ride with the dog before going to the pool.   I need to start getting more exercise in my life.  Not to mention I have signed up for a half marathon and have no trained - not even a little bit.

I may only have 50 days to my wedding (yikes) but I can still lose some inches and tone my arms till then.  I have time and it can be done.  No I won't be my goal weight by then, but I will be on my way!!!!

Need to get back on track

I need to get back on track so bad.  I can't get out of this funk.  OMG  sooo hard.

Feeling Defeated

I need to get on track.  I need to not defeat myself.  I need to get it together.

A huge fault of mine is that I let time slip away.  I will to it tomorrow, next week, who cares when as long as its not now.  This is a bad quality in me.

I leave tomorrow for a short vacation which will involve a bathing suit.  Not looking forward to baring all on the beach. Not much I can do about this weekend but I will be taking a week in August to spend at the beach and I can do something about looking better then. 

Ever Feel Like A Failure

Did you ever just have a poor pity me day? Today was that day for me. (Funny cause Tuesday was my birthday and it was a fabulous day.) There is way too much going on in my life and I feel I am not succeeding at any thing.

I am a person who like to win, who needs those successes in my life.  When I don't succeed, I truly take it personally.  I am not superwomen but yet hold myself to those superwomen ideals. I have come to the realization that I need to let some things go. By letting this go I will be able to focus on what is really important to me in the short term.

First I am going to start running.  I really miss it - the freedom, the ability to sleep and the me time. I am not going to start next Monday or when the weather get better.  I am starting tomorrow.

Also tomorrow, I am dropping my master class. It came way to quick and I am no where ready for it. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.  Thinking about postponing the class makes me happy.  I am all about making me happy.

Our beautiful dog will be finding a new home.  I am in the process of finding her one. I am not in a rush to give her away but I am looking.  I went to one house tonight but I am unsure about the location (it is in a bad neighbourhood).  There is hope of finding her a home on an acreage with another dog.  Cross your fingers for me, I am hoping that will be her new forever home.

I need to concentrate on wedding planning. I feel like I have just let it go and it is coming quick. 

Tomorrow I am going to step on the scale for the first time in a week.  It is a scary prospect.  I have been trying to eat well but don't think I have always been successful at it.  Back on track tomorrow and food tracking. I am also going to looking into the options for my health care flex spending account to see what I can access. 

Happy Father's Day to All

Happy father's day to all the wonderful father's and mommydaddy's out there. 

I am a bit behind on the blogging front.  It has been a crazy busy week but I am trying to stay on track.  There have been a couple of bad eating days but have been staying on track.  I just need to add some exercise to the mix and I will be rocking. 

Hope everyone is having a fabulous day and has not be drown out by the rain or eaten by mosquitoes. 

A Week In and Not Doing the Best

A week into the competition and I have had little progress. It is very frustrating. I haven’t been the most stringent to eating well as I am under tremendous stress in my life. I am a stress eater and have been keeping that under control but when I am stressed I hold onto weight, especially water weight. I need just to learn to let go.


The wedding planning is going wonderfully, we are a bit over budget but I almost expected that. I am going to be a bit more cost conscious and start tracking the wedding spending so I feel more in control. There is a part of the planning that is really starting to bug me – my family, and especially my mom’s, total lack of enthusiasm. They seem to want to fight me on the choices I make and then when I ask their opinion there response is ‘well it’s your wedding, do whatever you want’. Urrrggg!!!! What is really upsetting me is when I asked my mom if she wanted to come wedding dress shopping her response was less than stellar, “Well maybe, depends if I am busy that day.” I just went by myself. I got a beautiful dress that I am in love with but I really wanted to have a different experience.

On top of the wedding, I have decided to become a Stella & Dot Stylist. Probably not the best time in my life to begin a small business but I figures what the hell. I talked to a bunch of my friends before hand who were all super pumped to have a trunk show and now that I have made the financial commitment no one (and I mean no one) wants anything to do with it. It really is wonderful jewelry (it has been featured in In Style and is going to be in Vogue in the fall). (Side note, if anyone really wants to have a trunk show, please let me know.)

Oh, did I mention that I am signed up to take another Masters class in July. Eff. Why do I do this to myself? I have a big assignment due before the class starts and I haven’t bought the books yet. I need to either go buy the books or drop the class. I really need to take a class this summer to be able to graduate on my schedule but something has to give soon I think or I am going to go nuts!!!

For all my weight loss competition buddies, I am sorry for the lack of comments on my behalf. I am normally not a deadbeat but I have been crazy busy and for some reason can’t comment on any blog that isn’t a BlogSpot blog. (If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.)

New Competition

As I previously stated I am starting a new weight loss competition today to help in the motivation to lose weight for the wedding.  I am excited.  I started to watch what I eat last week and I am already down two pounds!!!  When I took the pictures last night I couldn't believe how lumpy I looked.  Pictures really don't lie.  Time to start toning up.

I am also exciting to start training for my half marathon in December.  The thought of running 13.1 miles no longer scares the shit out of me cause I know I have done it once already and didn't die.  I want to crush my time of just under 3 hours which I think is obtainable since I won't be fighting the hills of San Francisco 80% of the time. 

I am kind of bummed.  A friend of mine started Ideal Protein this week. My sister is also on IP.  After much household discussion, we decided that $85 a week for their packaged food was too much for our budget (with the upcoming wedding and a masters degree to pay for) so it was decided I just had to do on my own (well at least without the help of a weight loss clinic).  What I like about this plan is essentially you eat their food.  It is Atkins with prepackaged food.  What I don't like about the plan is that it is packaged food.  Icky, all those chemicals in your body can't be good for it.

I am going to do it on my own.  I am going to eat right and exercise.  A novel concept that works.

Good luck to my fellow competitor and to all of those trying to lose a few pounds before bathing suit season.

Newest Happenings In Moi Life

So I have been engaged for three whole weeks and a tone has happened.  We decided (well more like me) to have the wedding right away.  I wanted to get married in the summer but didn't want to wait another year so we are getting married on Sunday, September 4. It is a long weekend so it still gives everyone travel time and because it is the Sunday, I have had no problem at all finding vendors.

In twenty one days I have picked a: date, location, caterer, cake baker, invitations, guest list, colors, florist, photographer, wedding bands, master of ceremonies, flower girl dress, and most importantly my dress.  I have been busy and under stress but everything is going to be fine. We also established a budget (small one) that I am determined to work within. It is all going to be great.  Small, intimate wedding in a courtyard (the Lady Slipper Courtyard, doesn't that sounds beautiful, it is) and a fabulous small party to follow. 

Ceremony location

 Dress

Colors

On a sad note, I think I have to find a new home for our beloved beagle.  She has separation anxiety and it has been getting worse the past few weeks.  It breaks my heart to even think of letting her live with someone else but she needs better owners.  She is the most loving dog in the world and wouldn't hurt anyone but she needs more attention than we are able to give her.  I am working with my trainer to find her a home with owners that are able to give her what she needs.

To help lose a couple of inches before the wedding, I am starting a new weight loss competition.  My dress fits perfectly but would look better with toned arms and a flatter stomach.  :) 

More Big News

I know I haven't been blogging much lately and for that I am sorry.  I will try to do better in the future.  There has been tones going on in my life including, wait for it,

I GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!

After almost a decade of dating (with two brief breaks) the wonderful man I am in love with asked me to be his wife.  I have the most perfect ring (pics to be posted later).

I have no idea what to do for the wedding.  I do plan to run the Vegas 1/2 marathon in December but I don't know if I am a Vegas kind of bride.  Oh well, I will have fun planning.

Let me know if anyone has ideas.  Maybe a destination wedding?

New Job

I am very excited to announce that beginning next Tuesday, I will start my new job!!!  It is very exciting.  Although I am very sad to leave my old job (last day was Friday, lots of tears) I am super pumped for the new challenge that lies ahead of me.  Honestly, it is a lateral move from one arm of government to another but the new arm has kick ass benefits and greater room for advancement.


I have taken a week off to relax.  Well, that is what I first planned to do.  Now I am renovating.  I wish I had the money to just do it all at once but since I apparently like things complicated, I have renovated my bathroom (we are almost done) and then will have new laminate installed this week (with help from my fabulous dad and brother in law).  After that project is done we will build headers for the closets and paint any and all sefices we can find.  I wish I was stretching the truth, everything needs painting, ceilings, walls, doors, trim.  Oh well, once that is done it will be like we have a bran new upstairs.  (Yes, then we can get restarted on the main floor).  Oh the joys of renovating.

I should be packing moving things out of the way but am fixated on getting my new blackberry all set up.  As work will not be supplying me with a phone, I must figure this out by myself.  I am not doing too badly, all I need to do finally transfer my old contacts onto my new phone.  This is exponentially more difficult as I have no set up disks (a wonderful friend lent me his spare berry until the new iPhone comes out).

I will post pics of my renos when they are complete.