Day Three of Sick

I am sick.  I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck and my skin is on fire sick. To make the situation even more awesome is my daughter has been sick. She got sick on Friday night and was finally good enough to go to daycare today. I took her to the doctor on Monday and she had a viral infection so bad she had viral cold soars on her mouth and down her throat.

Being sick as a single mom with no family in the same city where you live sucks.  There is no one there to help out. I do have friends I could have called to help me out but nothing is like having your mom come help out (my mom did offer to come help out but is would have been a 4 hour drive for her so I told her not to worry about it). You feel helpless. My daughter and I lay on opposite ends of the couch just being sick – it was pitiful. Hopefully I will have shaken this by tomorrow and will be on the mend.

Being sick has given me ample time to watch a lot of TV. I was able to catch up on the Biggest Loser and this season is pissing me off. I know it is the season of no excuses which is hilarious because everyone has an excuse on this season. I cannot believe what an amazing opportunity these people are throwing away. After some reflection I am pissed off at myself.  I throw away amazing opportunities everyday of lose weight and be where I want to be.  I make all kind of excuses not to exercise and to eat poorly. The thought of exercising right now makes my stomach turn and it hurts to walk to the bathroom so it may not be the best time to start an intensive exercise program. I have to figure something out, I need to stop this path of self-destruction, and I need to be the person I want to be. 

I have all the tools and resources I need to lose weight. They may not be the perfect tools but I got tools.  I also have determination to make my life better. I have let my past drag me down and determine the person I am not – a fat and lazy person – and now I want to improve my life and make me better. I don’t want to have my life determined by my excuses but rather I would like to be determined by my efforts.

Between naps today (yes, I am that sick) I will make meal plan for myself that is obtainable and easy to follow and will set up an exercise calendar that I will follow. I will not let negative energy hold me down I will continue and I will be successful.

Come on Dragon - Bring me Good Luck

Happy Chinese New Year!!!  It is the year of the Dragon and it is believed that the dragon is a symbol of good fortune and power. It symbolized big things to come. On New Year's Day we are not suppose to talk about the past but rather look forward to the future. I was going to write my post on my crappy weekend but not instead I will look forward to the good that is to come.

I am not a firm believer in Chinese astrology but could use the promise of something good to come. (I think we can all use the promise of good to come even if that good is status quo for the lucky some of you out there.) This post is a little different than normal as I lament on my negative thinking as of late. I need to stop being a negative Nora and be the  happy person I know I am.  I am done crying at red lights (yeah, I know its ridiculous) and relearn life is not that bad. The world does have goodness in it and we should cherish the miracle that is our life.

So my wish for myself as well as for you in this coming year is to have a wondrous year (regardless of which calendar you are on).  I hope you have fun all through the year and do work that makes you come alive.  I hope you get in the best shape of your life and learn to take better care of yourself. I hope you make a positive difference in the lives of those around. To live the life you want and live it to the fullest, not the way world wants you to live it. I hope you leave the past behind, move ahead and find the balm for any of your scars from the past – in form of love or your own courage. I hope you smile more and spread happiness around.

Depression... Well that's not helping anything

I have come to the realization that I may be suffering from depression. It would not be the first time and I don't think anyone would judge me for being depressed but it doesn't negate the fact that depression sucks.

It is weird though, even though I think I am suffering from depression, I am still happy. I try to be upbeat and not look at the negative. I know I am fortunate in my life but that doesn't help sometime. Those times, I find myself sitting on the couch way past my bedtime watching very bad TV not wanting to get up to take the stairs to go to bed. Because I wait so long to go to sleep, I rarely get ready for bed (washing my face, brushing my teeth). Because I go to bed late I tend to press snooze too many times and half the times don't shower in the morning.

As a result of not taking care of myself my face is breaking out which makes me feel worse about myself. Sleeping in also makes eating a good breakfast and packing a proper lunch a lot harder.It is hard on me and it is hard on my daughter. I don't have as much patience and I am harder on her. I also let her do things like watching too much TV so I to can just sit on the couch and not do anything. 

Depression is vicious circle. The lazier, the more depressed I get.  The more depressed I get the lazier I get. I need this to stop. I can't keep doing this. Unlike last time, I don't want to go on medication like last time.  They were helpful last time but I do want to try this on my own. If it doesn't work, may go the pharmaceutical route again.

I plan on setting a few goal this week to try and improve my situation. My goals are:

1. Be in bed at 10 pm each night. (I think sleep is key for so many things)
2. Exercise 4 times this week for at least 30 minutes.  Even if this is walking (not running) on my treadmill I need to get moving.
3. Pack my lunch and breakfast at night when I am done supper.  I do plan on getting a jump on this by making a big pot of soup today and dividing it up into individual bowls.
4. Shower at least 5 out of 7 days this week.

Lofty goals I know but I think if I set them too big I will fail.  If I fail, I feel worse about myself and we all know how that goes.

I am also going to try and blog more. Even if no one reads my blog, I feel it keeps my accountable. Part of my problem is that I have had trouble connecting with my friends again since the breakup and don't have anyone to talk to. This is totally my fault for not reaching out.

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful week.  I know I am going to try to.

No More Wasteful Spending

Today after I picked up my daughter from daycare we went to the grocery store to pick up some buns for supper.  I thought we would spend under $5 and spend $15.  Instead of just the buns we got we got the buns, a roast chicken, some wedges, and chocolate bar (for my daughter). I gave into what my daughter wanted and left very frustrated. I want to keep on my budget but at the end of a long day at the end of a long week it is hard to fight with a five year old over roast chicken (and really I can make at least one other meal out of it too).

We came home and I wanted to teach a lesson about money. I sat my daughter down and asked her where she wanted to go on vacation.  She said Disneyland, Hawaii, Mexico and China (yeah I know, lofty goals).  I told her if she really wanted to go on a vacation we needed to start saving money. I took out all the change out of my wallet and started deducting  money for things like the mortgage, daycare fees, gas, utilities (of course explaining it in small words) and after all necessary expenses there was little left in the pile (kind of like real life).  I asked my daughter how else we could spend money.  Oh course that was not easy to think of things to spend money on. When there was nothing else left I asked how would we pay for a vacation and I could see her wheels starting to turn. She started to think of way we could save money and how we can get more money (apparently grandma and grandpa better learn to say no).

I am glad I had the talk with her and figured out a way to get through to my daughter why wasteful spending is so bad.  Both of us have big goals in life and like most things in life, some come with a price tag. Now that she is on the same page hopefully the situations I was in this evening will not happen as much and when I go to the store I will only spend $5 not triple that amount.

I am Baaaaack

New year and tones of changes.

It has been a while since I have blogged.  I missed it and all of you tremendously.  I have been going through my own struggles and needed to not air the very hateful and horrible things was thinking. Those aren't things that should be shared.  For those keeping track, the split up was final and it was horrible.  I have taken it extremely well (not only by my own opinion but others have told me that as well) and am at an okay place in my life.  Not the best place but a place where I can see unlimited possibilities on the horizon.

It has been over four months since I last wrote and  over those months I have not been taking very good care of myself.  I have indulged because I felt I deserved it and stop exercising because it was easier to hit the snooze button than drag myself out of bed.  I made excuse and excuse to justify what I was doing to myself and in doing so I but on 15 extra pounds. I look and feel disgusting.  I have stopped that abuse of myself and have begun to take care of myself. I have stopped saying tomorrow and begun today to eat healthy.

Tomorrow (and I do mean tomorrow) starts the 30 Day Shred. If I don't get up in the morning it will get done when I get home from work, if that doesn't work then I will do it before I go to bed. It will happen. It has to start to happen.  I can't buy bigger pants - I refuse to buy bigger pants.

Another reason I am not buying bigger pants is because I am going to try and curb my spending. It is ridiculous the amount of money I spend on useless thing.  I am no longer going to spend money to fill the whole in my life, instead I am going to keep that money in my bank and fill that whole with loved and new fabulous experiences. I spend New Years day watching the Gail Vaz-Oxlade show Princess, where girls throw their (and other people's money) away on crap to make themselves feel better about themselves. Whiles I don't spend $600 a month on my hair I am a shopaholic and need to find a better way to make myself feel better.

Bad thing about being gone for so long is I feel there is so much to catch up on but its time to say good night.  This princess needs to get to bed - I have an early morning date with Jillian!!!